Date: 4 April 1999
Hares: Drinks On Me Bud, John HandCock, Goomba, Wilburrrrr (the stealth hare)
Beer Crew: Rude Boy
Location: Great Falls, Virginia
The run began in Great Falls at the home of someone who wasn't even home. I suspect the hares cased the place for a while to make sure the owner's were away that day before they determined it would be the start.
Many hashers showed up in Easter attire and sporting lovely Easter bonnet's made out of stuff they could steal from their children. Fly the Friendly Thighs, who helped lead Father Abraham was wearing an actual Easter basket, with the cellophane grass and a bunny in it, on her head. Unfortunately she choose to remove it before the run. Coward.
We headed through a lovely neighborhood of $200 thousand plus homes. Obviously this was the slums of Great Falls. Trail took us into the woods, across a stream, (some crossed it twice), and up a hamstring killing hill, were it was apparent the more affluent Great Fallians resided. Several hashers, including Dumb Blond (who had his bunny ears tucked down so he was ‘hare-o-dynamic') and For Sale Or Rent (always scamming for more properties that woman) ogled a great hash mansion, equipped with a pool, at the top of the hill.
At this point (just) Andressa and (just) Mike were whining about their tired legs. Seems they ran something like 20 miles the day before and then ran THAT morning. If that's not a reason to drink I don't know what is. By the way, both of them need names.
We turned left at the Tennis courts, which took us over hill and dale. Well, mostly hill. The whole run was uphill. Many of you might say, if you were coherent, that is be impossible and then quote the laws of physics and relativity, wherein I would fall asleep at that point, and hear "blahblahblah"..But it was! Ask anyone who ran.
After we went up a hill and then up another hill, crossed a stream, we came out on a road (where Bavarian Bush was seen snacking on jellybeans). Here we ran through some neighbor's landscaping, then up a driveway. A nice neighbor lady, obviously high on crack, cheered us on through HER OWN backyard. Where we encountered, a fence to climb, and then, you got it, MORE HILLS. Bark A Dildo must have a twin or two, because the scribe saw him all over the place.
Out onto the road again and over barbed wire (which Mr. Dildo was thoughtfully holding down for folks to climb over) we did go. We turned down what appeared to be someone's driveway (those poor fools, spent $100's of thousands of dollars on a house in the middle of nowhere to get away from the riff raff and yet, here we were) but this was a road. Four kenneled Great Danes watched our passing with mild interest, thinking possible appetizers.
Before the beer/water stop two small floppy eared lap dogs attempted to attack several hashers but they (the dogs) seemed to be afraid to step out on to the road. These folks were seen eating the ears off their chocolate bunnies at the beer stop: AmKneesia, Bad Dog, Beer Slut, Black Box, Blonde Roots, Bloody Vaginal Reject, Blowin 'in the Wind, Bramble Bush, Bull Shit (wearing the best bonnet of the day, a stuffed Bunny sitting atop a baseball cap), Butt Plug, Champagne Charlie, Chicken Liver, Cock Spit, Cunning Runt, Diaper, Dick in the Headlights, Dr Jekyll, Dr. Strange Love, Drive Thru, Eat It Raw, Eat It Raw (no, you're not seeing double, this one is from Great Falls), Euro Trash Barbie, Finger Pickin' Good, Foreplay Before Intercourse, Full Metal Balls, FussyBitch (who was passing out Easter candy at the start-mmmmmm!), Golden Geek, Harem Scarem, Have Dick Will Travel, Hawaiian Puke, Head Nurse, Heat Seeking Moisture Missile, He Whore, Holiday Ho, Hollow Point, Hymen Dickover, Kiel Bastard, KY Belly, Looney, Mighty Tight, Missing Link (and Beazer looking for Bunnies), Mud Muffin, Needle in Thread, Number 2, Nurse Crotchett, Out of the Bush, Pay Per View, Pinky Penis, Poodle Fucked, Pro Boner, Radar, Rocks, Section 8, Silver Bullshit (and her puppy), Spinal Tap, Spits It Out, Steamer's Bitch, Sticky Lips, Stool Sample, Take Me Drunk, I'm Home, Tastes Like Chalk, Tez's Smirnoff, The Body (back from the Keys, the wench!), Three times a lady, Tick Cock, Tits Ahoy, Trouser Snake, Watch It Jiggle, Watergate, West Virginia Woody, WhereDaFaKhawe?
Then it was off again, through a stream and into the deep, dark, dank woods. Holy Tit went bounding by in his ears and bunny outfit. He was carrying a basket and looked to be gathering eggs. Eat Me For Breakfast and Great Balls of Fire decided to take a short cut, which ended being about two miles out of their way and they encountered the Killer Attack Poodle. Apparently they tossed the vicious varmint a chocolate egg and while it was distracted they were able to escape with a shred of dignity and their hides intact.
There was "shot" stop, a cut through the angry neighbor's property and then back to the road, where it began to rain just in time for us to parade past the snotty French restaurant, Chez Snob, and back to the start.
Our Virgins this Easter (first time hashing could be likened to rising from the dead?!) and who made them cum:
The male contestants: Hare Pie, 3x a Lady, Spinal Tap, Hymen DickOver, Champagne Charlie, and Bullshit- SpinalTap won for his Mexican flavored hat, a sombero with two cup holders and a long straw.
The female contestants: Fly the Friendly Thighs, Bramble Bush, BlackBox, Hasher Humper, Eat It Raw, Gunner ([Mud Muffin's] dog with the bunny ears); - the winner! Hasher Humper for her Conehead hat with the plastic eggs.
Best Male Tail: Champagne Charlie, Hyman DickOver, DumbBlond, Needle In Thread - the winner! Hymen DickOver
Best Female Tail: Butt Plug, Eats It Raw, Nurse Crotchet, Bramble Bush, Fussy Bitch - the winner! Butt Plug
John Handcock for reasons unclear to the scribe although the scribe is sure he is deserving of it for transgressions past and present.
For the record and just in case no one noticed. Wilburrr was a hare on this run. Wilburrr was not physically even there! His house was there, but he was not. Also that thing about dating 70 year old toothless, old hags in Florida and bragging about it should be considered the next time the hashshit is awarded.
Ciao...OnOn BiteMeElmo
Bill Wagner, aka Mellow Foreskin Cheese, is still down and out, mostly down. It would be nice if folks did not forget him and continued to send cards, letter, cash, etc. Or even better go visit!! He's at Jerry Wagner's, his brother at 2802 Winchester Way, Fall Church, VA 22042; 703-237-0948. Go on now. Go visit!
Do any of you remember Burnt Sox and Seven Minutes?? Yeah. me neither. [On-Sec note: They only left two months ago after hashing with us and MVH3 for years!!! Oh, how quickly they forget!] The following was written on postcard addressed to WH4 from BS and SM:
"..Do you know how hard it is to get a postcard into a typrwriter? How's things. While you had that snowstorm (editor's note: Okay so this is just a wee old, ‘bout a month), we had the usual 75 degree weather (bastard) with unhealthy air. The Mexico City H3 is a good group, but since they know only one song, guess who's songmeister? We'll be signing about Aztec warriors in no time flat. Great to see the gang at Mardi Gras - who's in for Pittsburgh? 7 Mins.. is loving the life of leisure, and my job is...challenging. One thing quickly, when you're driving the wrong way down the street diplomatic immunity is GREAT! Miss everyone and hope all your trails are happy ones.
On-On - Burnt Sox"Their address, should you get the urge:
Mateen/Royster
US Embassy Mexico City
Consular Section PO Box 3087
Laredo, TX 78044