Date: April 11, 1999
Hares: Cowpoke-Her, 14K Cock, Steers & Queers, Dream Beaver
Location: Reston, VA
Spring is a beautiful time of year. Things you don't see in a while, like flowers, leaves, birds, Mellow ForeSkin Cheese - come back. He was vertical, so to speak, with his satellite dish ensconced leg surrounded by rain gear, since of course it was raining. He had his own personal valet, the lovely Nurse Crochet apparently pushed him the whole length of the run in a hospital issue wheelchair.
PAY ATTENTION MEN. If you want to really attract the chicks, get hit by a car!!
This day's event was live hared. It took us through the wilds of Reston, a planned community. We started down the W O & D Canal path and ended up in some woods. Isn't this a great description? Betcha you can't WAIT to read the rest!
K-Y Belly and Duck Job scared several deer, who ran off at breakneck speed into the woods. The deer were spooked by the thought of running into Number2 again. We all know he has a penchant for woodland creatures. KYB and DJ took off after the deer, hoping they would lead them to trail, but alas, no. Trail continued on to our left through a field. Where we promptly lost it again.
No one saw flour straight ahead, no one saw flour to the left, so off to the right several hardy folks went. Where they found trail. The rest of us lemmings followed Duck Job into the woods. We were not on trail. We could hear the whistles to our right. Serves us right for following a man who is an HOUR late for a marathon. We did find the walkers trail, but no walkers. They were eaten by the deer.
Eventually we cut through the trees and caught up with the pack, which was mingling and socializing on a playing field of some sort. Butt Plug proceeded to educate the scribe as to the difference between "checking" and "looking". Checking is what you do with your money. Looking is what you do at Nordstrom's. At least I think that's what she said. Several hale and hardy FRB's Cunning Runt and Dr. Jekyl, went back into the woods and eventually whistles and cries for help came, from the woods. "OnOn" came the call, from the same direction Duck Job and his followers had come. However, this was not trail. But that has never stopped us before. So "onon" we went.
Eventually we hit a "BT", from the WRONG direction and happily this set us back on trail. Across a stream, over a log, through the mud and the muck we merrily ran. For some reason Steamer's Bitch decided he needed to carry a frisbee he found in the woods. Guess he was hoping a game of frisbee golf would break out.
Eventually we came to the Jello Shooter check. What!?! You mean we missed the beer check!? How could that have happened? And what's this!!! One of the hares, Dream Beaver, is leaving with flour to finish up the trail!!!? Quick! We caught the hare!! Take her shorts! Those caught rubbing themselves down with Jello shots: Zimboobwe, Whine and Cheese, WhereDaFaKhawe?, Trouser Snake, The Mayor, Tez's Smirnoff, Tastes Like Chalk, Steamer's Bitch, Spurt Plus, Semen First Ass, Right Key, Wrong Hole, Out of the Bush, Oralgina, Next Week, Laxer Shit, Holiday Ho, Drop Box, Cyclops...
While waiting for the rest of the pack to find the shooter check (or were THEY at the beer check??) we watched Pulls It Out and Just Mike, take the hard way to the Shooters, by climbing a fence. Just Mike broke the fence.
Dream Beaver told the pack to follow the WO&D trail to the end. Off we go. Leisure Suit Larry in a fit of cheapskatedom/environmentalism was carrying a hubcap for his car. He lost a hubcap; found this one in the woods; it looked about right so he figured what the heck. If it didn't fit no big loss. And on we went....
Wait? What's that? THE BEER VAN!!!! We stopperd for a beer. Seems Holy Tit is the only hasher who can follow trail and he's been waiting for hours for us to arrive. So, why is there beer left? MFC complains that we are truly a bunch of wankers..even HE found the beer check. Those seen quaffing beer: The Body, Stool Sample, Tits Ahoy, Dead Stick, Spits It Out, Spinal Tap, Rainbow Dick, Put It Out, Pulls Out Early, Pinky Penis, Mighty Tight, Leaky Tampon, Late Cummer, Latin Anal-ist, Hawaiian Puke, Goomba, Foreplay Before Intercourse, For Sale or Rent, Finger Pickin' Good, ...
Once fortified, the end was near and there it was....
The pack circled up to anoint the Virgins and those who made them cum:
The highlight of the circle was the story from those wankers who went to the Hershey Hash. Exhibit A&B, Kiel Bastard and Spits It Out tell the tale of their hash theme - "Beaver Watch", thanks to the busy beavers who are busily chopping down cherry trees around the tidal basin and Needle In Thread. Apparently NIT (not to be confused with MIT) really got into the beaver spirit (uh, so to speak) and got completely drunk, not to mention naked (there's pictures ladies! Really!) and showed up with a HUGE log in his teeth. Hence, an appropriate rename, Needle In Thread is no more..he is now, Leave It In Beaver... ("Ward, you better talk to the Beaver, he's been drinking again, and running around the neighborhood butt naked scaring the neighbors!")
Another amusing story to surface is the tale of Put It Out, Roach Motel, Duck Job, and Right Key Wrong Hole. These nimrods fly to Paris, do not pay attention to the fact that France recognizes Daylight savings time (Duck Job keeps blaming that pesky language barrier thing), show up an HOUR late for the Marathon, and take off looking for trail, so to speak. Unfortuantely the Marathoners ahead of them did not leave flour. They caught up with cleaning crews, but it wasn't until halfway through that they caught up with runners, and a little further than that before they found water....they should have just short cutted to the end.
On that note and because things deteriorated after that, all I can say is...OnOn BiteMeElmo
Hello fellow hashers! This is DangeRously Close once again with your View from the Rear (or Alternative View). Hey, I bet you all thought I'd disappeared… well, I'mmmm baaaccckkk. Seriously. Injuries incurred at Mardi Gras and then my long-awaited trip to El Salvador kept me from doing trail for the last 2 months. This week, I'm going to title this column the View from Beyond so that I can write about my hash adventures in El Salvador.The Salvador hash re-started last fall when ex-DC area hasher Barbie-Q arrived. It is experiencing a very slow but steady growth. Trail was an adventure. The pack consisted of me and three other women - I guess you could call this the Solas Mujeres Hash (Single Women Hash). The men decided to sleep in! We had all been to the British Club the night before and it seems the men wimped out due to excess consumption of… guess what??? You guessed it, BEER!
We met at a Church (this was interesting) and carpooled to the start. Most of trail ran through a coffee finca (coffee farm) and was a mass of labyrinth-like trails of very dry ash-soil. The other ladies and myself were confused as h*ll trying to follow not only the cornflour markings left by Hare Barbie-Q but also the paper ticket markings left by Hare Grapes of Wrath.
One of the two of them had on occasion left a chalk hares arrow. Much to my dismay though, one cannot purchase thick sidewalk chalk in El Salvador (believe me, I looked) and so the chalk marks, having been written with regular schoolteacher chalk were barely visible when we noticed them at all. The hash started at 11am on a Saturday morning. Therefore it was during the hottest and driest part of the day, and we KNEW it. We ran and walked and ran and walked trying not to dehydrate too much. As we worked up quite a sweat, all the dusty dirt we kicked up stuck on us - let's just call this Salvadoran style shiggy!
All this time, we were hitting check upon check upon check. Imagine this - I got to play the role of the experienced hasher, teaching these gals how to work together as a team and solve the checks! Finally we left the Finca and crossed a new highway construction area where we began wandering about looking for some sign of trail. (Construction workers volunteered told us which direction they'd seen the hares go!) After about 45 minutes on trail, we crossed a field of prickers (yes, they have them down South too!) and then a neat cement bridge structure across a small stream.
Finally, we were to a point where all I could think of was, "isn't it time for a beer check?" and we heard whistles off to our right calling us On-In. I think the hares cut the trail a little short due to the steamy hot sun and the fact that it was just us gals on trail… but we were not complaining. We all piled in Grapes of Wrath vehicle and drove back to start where we commenced with the Circle and Down-Downs in the shade. Overall, a fun, new hashing experience. Many thanks to Barbie, Grapes, Cumciegre (who's re-name I created), Scoobie-Do Me (who also got named that day) and (Just) Feli. Before I left, I presented each of my Trail-mates with a DC area hash t-shirt, which they were pleased as punch to get.
Next week I'll be back with my regular column, the View from the Rear! Be there or be square... ("hasta la vista- or I left my visa") On-On DangeRouslyClose