Date: April 18, 1999
Hares: Fussy Bitch, Blowin' In The Wind
Beer Crew: Cervix With A Smile
Location: West Falls Church, Virginia
Since none of the scribes ran with the pack this time, there is no "Packeye" view.
Hello fellow hashers, this is DangeRously Close with your Alternative View! This Sunday started out like any other rainy overcast and yucky day, but turned into a rather pleasant, sunny afternoon! Mother Nature must be a hasher!
As everyone started arriving, it was clear that this was going to be a big group. Lots of long-time no-seers and visitors were amongst us. A quick Father Abe was led by someone from Christmas past, oops no, that's another story… led by someone from WH4's past, we were off. Following the departure of the pack, Fussy Bitch led the Alt Viewers out of the shopping center and across Lee Highway toward the Cemetery. As usual, traffic was brought to a halt as hashers crossed to the median and then on-over to the other side of the road. The Alt Viewers were treated to a great view of the pack running haphazardly around and about in the cemetery. They all went the wrong direction and doubled back just as we approached and went through a small space in the hedge onto a busy road. Much to the dismay of the residents, we passed through a townhouse neighborhood and into a park. Fussy lead us along the slippery bank of a drainage ravine and into woods filled with prickers to a chainlink fence with barbed wire lining it. Very carefully, one at a time, we each climbed up and over a bend in the fence back onto cemetery property. It should also be noted that with the assistance of Kiel Bastard and Exhibit A&B, several red plastic cups of beer also made it over this fence!
Through a very muddy section of the cemetery we headed (did someone say "head"?) Can you say "slip sliding away"? It was here that Leave It In Beaver noted the lack of trail markings much to Fussy's surprise. Defense was made when it was pointed out that fresh bulldozer tracks were a sure sign that the markings must have just been covered up. The Alt Viewers exited cemetery property once again through a pricker patch and followed trail directly to the backside of a yard where there was a huge dog barking wildly at us. The homeowner came (?) out and asked that we not pass along her property - evidently it was a weed killer issue - so MOST of us re- routed trail to pass through at another point… through heavy prickers again I might add! Some Virgin decided to challenge the homeowner and our loyal Hare Fussy had to defend our hash honor! Word to the wise: Keep control of your virgins! We can't have them running amuck!
Along a neighborhood street we walked until suddenly we heard cries of "Beer Near". Several Alt Viewers were seen quickening their pace at this point. From Shitty Shitty Bang Bang we soon departed, following the plentiful blue hash marks. We rounded a corner and a homeowner yelled, "Has Beezer passed yet?" Needless to say, we were caught by surprise that our hash mascot was so famous as to be known in this miscellaneous Falls Church neighborhood! Over hill and dale we traveled, admiring the charm and quaintness of the houses and gardens, when suddenly Black Box was heard to exclaim, "I own that house. That house right there!" Well, that precipitated stories of her past that I'm not sure any of us really needed to know. BUT - it must be pointed out - she does own that cute little white house on Ogden Street!
We were all close to "having too much" when we once again spied the cemetery and we realized we knew where we were. Back across Lee Highway and On-In to the back of the shopping center we headed ("head" again?) to meet up with the pack for Circle.
That concludes my tale for this week. Perhaps instead of calling it another "Bitchin' Hash" we should have referred to it as the "Meet Your Maker Dead Man's Hash" or the "Prickers-O-Plenty Hash"?!?!
Alternative Viewers, other than those listed above, who I remember from trail include: Bite Me Elmo (what was she doing on trail with us??), Das Beaver, Jimmi Hendrix, Oralgina, Pussy with a Porpoise, Nurse Crotchet, Throbbing the Cradle (who, it should be noted, was wearing sandals!), Nice Tits, Spinal Tap, Spits it Out, Butt Plug's Virgin, Cockspit, Just Sandy and her Virgin, For Sale Or Rent, and Spurt Plus and many others who I can't remember or who's names I do not know.
Tune in again next week for yet another colorful trail tale!
On-On, DangeRously Close
There were two namings this fine day. (Just) Laura received the lovely moniker of Tart Wheel, for her penchant to perform cartwheels at a drop of a hat for any audience.
(Just) Andressa will be known in the world of hashing as Golden Shower, for her penchant to, well, I think you all know.
Visitors:
Hashit:
Blazing Straddle for trying to burn Black Box's house down during a wine tasting. Howerver, BS gave the hashit to Mole, who apparently does not live in the US anymore. That's one way to get rid of it!
It was the start of a lovely warm day, the sun had just risen, traffic was backed up everywhere, and criminals from around the county were wheeling their vehicles in the Fairfax County Court House. Most followed a live trail into the parking garage and while I teamed up with GBOF and we found "free parking" down the street. GBOF asked the information desk where Silver Bullshit vs. Giant Fu*king Moron trial was to take place.
Meanwhile SB was calling On-On from the second floor balcony as if she were Juliet. Seeing the hare, Silver Bullshit, we made our way to the Criminal Court Room G-2 and circled up in the waiting area. Bad Dog promptly broke the first chair he sat in. Right behind me was Bite Me Elmo, Bullshit, and (Just) Pat the legal guy.
Strangely enough Bad Dog was on a first name basis with most of the criminal attorneys that pasted by. After 20 minutes of waiting around for Father Abraham to begin we wandered down to the court cafeteria. You know you really have to wonder about a society and judicial system that builds a huge food court inside the courthouse. I guess they know that if you are ever to visit here you will be spending a good portion of your entire day.
We got back to the waiting area in time to find out that the judge had just called for a recess. Bite Me Elmo quickly ran outside looking for a swing to play on. GBOF wandered around the parking lot looking for the beer van.
After recess we were ordered into the courtroom when some guy that looked like Flip Wilson called out "Here comes da Judge!" We took up an entire pew. The Defendant came in wearing a new set of glasses. Which wasn't too much of a surprise since one of the lenses from his old pair is in my hash bag, given to me by another hasher.
The judge, who was actually a pretty hot little blonde number, came in and gave? got? a rise out of all the male hashers. When the judge ordered some young hood to return to her court in July, Bad Dog was hoping she would order him back to her chambers. When she had the kid cuffed and removed from the court, Bad Dog really got excited! This chick was tossing more meat into the penalty box than a hockey ref. I thought they were gonna run out of handcuffs pretty soon.
Da Judge finally got around to Silver B's case. Bite Me Elmo went over to the court recorder to help out with hash vs. nerd names. Giant Fu*king Moron's legal beagle cried and fussed that it just wasn't fair for Silver Bullshit to have five eyewitnesses and for Moron to have zero. Seems Moron had subpoenaed three cops from the night in question but they hadn't appeared. Justice being blind, a hot babe, but blind nonetheless agreed and rescheduled the case to June 2, 1999. GBOF jumped up and yelled "I object!" and was cuffed and dragged off, much to his pleasure.
We all moved over like good like citizens for the bailiff that looked like Walker Texas Ranger complete with a large star on her breast (see how I snuck that in there!) when she came to take GBOF away. Judge Judy then made all the witnesses for the case stand. Everybody in the courtroom turned and looked since we were about a quarter of all in attendance. She swore at us or something and said we have to return in June. Bad Dog had a big grin on his face and smoked a cigarette on the way out.
Stand tuned for part III. ..On-On Holy Tit
The scribe would like to take this time to make a few SERIOUS announcements. This stuff is basic common sense but bears to be repeated.
We are here to have fun, not ruin it for everyone by being stupid. Don't be stupid.
Ultimately, we are each responsible for ourselves. If you feel you cannot hash over, under or through an obstacle, DON'T. Find an alternative route. As WheredaFaKhawe says, Big Boy Rules apply. If you get hurt, it is your own fault.
On the other hand, hares, if you know of an obstacle in the run that may be tough, announce it in the circle BEFORE the run so folks can be prepared.
WE should all look out for each other. If you see a runner down, stop, and help.
Bear in mind folks, with the warmer weather the hash swells to over a hundred people per hash. That is a lot of people to sign in, take money from and have ready to go by 3 pm (or 6:30pm once Memorial Day weekend arrives).
This is basic stuff, and the scribe (and Mismanagement) does not want to play HASH MOM. We are all adults here - act like one.