Date: April 25, 1999
Hares: Leave It In Beaver, Roach Motel, $50 Bitch, (Just) Joe
Beer Crew: Road Kill, Hurls From The Crypt
Location:Upton St., NW, DC
This was the marathon/embassy/spring planting run.
The hares led us on a way awesome trail. Awesome because it was a beautiful day. Awesome because trail went on forever and illicited some of the most intense whining I've heard in awhile! You know you've done good when the masses whine.
It started out quietly enough. The pack managed to maneuver over Wisconsin Ave. without becoming Hash Hood Ornaments (although several cabbies did try), and through some very lovely residential neighborhoods in NW DC.
No crack houses here. Something definitely should be done about that. DC will lose its charm and reputation. The trail was well laid (insert your own sex joke here) and the pack happily scurried up and down hill and over dale.
We found ourselves running down a very, very, very steep hill. Through a neighborhood with houses the size of Ohio. F*cking Nuts described the area as "verdant" (look it up). Neighbors drove by us in SUV's the size of UHauls looking worried and were on their cell-phones to the authorities.
Fortunately as a pack we don't remain in one spot too long, and we crossed over, what may have been Connecticut or possibly Massachusetts. All those New England states look the same. Well, thinking back, it must have been Mass. Ave, since we passed the boarded up Italian Embassy. Of course most Italians can't afford curtains and that IS how many houses in Italy, and Italian neighborhoods around the United States, look. We call it "decoration". There was to be "Port-o-Let" behind the building.
Up, up, up we went, into the sky. Onto some lovely trails behind Embassy Row. At this point, the scribe feeling young and sprightly sprinted ahead of Beer Slut, who looked much like an Easter Egg in his wicked BRIGHT turquoise shirt and Lavender shorts. This will be the ONLY time in the scribe's life that she can honestly say she beat a Kenyan.
Soon the pack came to a shooter check. Our shooter for the day was "Doo-dee in the Pool". It was a happy little drink. Pure vodka, ice, something blue and a "little" bunny poop floating about. Thanks hares! It was indicated that water was located at the top of the hill, so we swiped our shots and hoofed it up to a drinking fountain that spit out a spurt of water every 10-20 seconds. SpurtPlus felt she had found kin. Had everyone stopped to take a drink, many of us would still be there today trying to obtain a mouthful of water.
Around this time tales of Fellatio Throw's early spring planting had reached us. Seems Ms. Throw took a header, literally, and scrapped her face up. However, by the time the news reached the shooter stop it was a classic game of "Telephone". At least 15 rescue crews had to be called in, blood was everywhere, SWAT teams; drug dogs; the works; were called out in an effort to save her. AND OHMIGOD!!!! her face was hanging by a thread. I'm happy to report that rumors of her demise were greatly embellished. Seen at the end of the run, Ms. Throw's face had two nasty scraps, one above her lip and on her chin...but a little plastic surgery and she should look as good as gold again. It was heard that Trouser Snake attempted to give FT mouth-to-mouth as well. That will take years of intense therapy for her to get over.
So on we went. Down a trail that lead behind Dumbarton Oaks, up R Street (maybe it was R), zagged a right to S and out onto Wisconsin Ave.; up another ugly hill to the beer check. JOY! But we were yet to be done. No siree bob. We had many miles before we could sit and rest..or at least drink again.
Seen trekking, "On Wisconsin", BlazingStraddles, LeisureSuitLarry, USBoob&OralReport, Blows The Cradle, Blowin' In The Wind, Breathless, Celtic Climax, Chicken Fucker, Dirty & Hairy, Dumb and Dumber, DumbBlonde, Fag, Foreplay Before Intercourse, Great Puck, Harepie, Head Nurse, Jane Bondage, Looney, Marshmallow, dodging traffic and down some side street, which lead us to more woods. This was sun-dappled trail all the way back to the start. The only shiggy was the large putrid puddle on a sidewalk that was oozing a swamp creature.
A hasher, someone I'll call "The Unknown" hasher ‘cause her name completely eludes me at this time discussed the nature of the slime in this puddle and determined it to be toxic. She and Great Balls of Fire left me in their dust (sex on trail??) in the woods and there was Beer Slut yet again. Don't worry. No more Kenyan jokes. And Hawaiian Puke. We huffed and puffed, and of course HawaiianPuke, left us in his dirt. Things were getting pretty dusty at this point.
But like an oasis in the desert we could smell the beer van before we saw it. Thus endeth another happy little tale. On-on you wankers.... BiteMeElmo
Hello fellow hashers. DangeRously Close here with this week's beeeaaaautiful Alternative View! What a glorious day! Mother Nature supplied us with a wonderful, sunny and breezy day, perfect for hashing!I arrived toting Black Box. We were the first to arrive and thus were able to locate a prime parking space! Soon after our arrival, Hare Leave It In Beaver strolled up toting lunch from McDonalds. As he munched, we began sign-in. I filled in for the not-yet-present Butt Plug and it was great! I got to see and greet all who came! (?) Again this week it was clear that attendance would be huge. Popping in for a visit was Moon and Company from Pittsburgh and Soft Surprise from Charlotte who had all also been present for Saturday nights Full mOOn Tourist Hash in Baltimore, joint with Baltimore-Annapolis HHH… but that is a different story! All I can say is if you weren't there you missed a great time!
Back to my story… Sign In, Father Abe, Instructions from Hares and we were off, with Hare Just Joe (soon to be named "In Your Dreams") leading the Alternative View Mini-pack. It was very obvious that Just Joe was new at being hairy… oops, I mean new at being a Hare. His technique was to "lead" us from the back! Fussy Bitch and I along with Black Box, Late Cummer and someone else I can't remember decided to just follow trail markings and "W" arrows. Up Wisconsin Ave - where were the Cheeseheads anyway? - we trekked, past the Cleveland Park shops. We crossed Wisconsin and found no cheese. What we did encounter was a nice quiet neighborhood of streets, streets, and more streets.
As we passed through this area that we were joined by many folks including Goofy, who was roller-hashing. Past an Embassy or two we headed (who said "head"?) and then onto a street into the woods. This street was very steep and it headed ("head" again?) straight downhill. Suddenly, we all heard a funny yelp and heard Goofy say, "Someone catch me!"
We thought he was playing around until we saw the look of terror on his face and his arms flapping wildly at his sides. He was headed (YES, "head") full steam down the hill out of control. Black Box and Bavarian Bush were first to attempt the "catch" and both went down like bowling pins along with Goofy, who ended up on his stomach sliding a considerable distance downhill backward! Well, turns out a large stone had caught in a wheel of his roller blade! After checking to see that everyone was still alive and well with only minor scraps and cuts, someone made reference to Goofy trying to "take-out" two of the Killer Bees! Fat chance Goof - they are indestructible!
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief that no serious injuries were incurred and off we went down a BIG, looonnnggg hill.
We passed a number of remarkable Embassies and distinctive architecture and decorative landscaping was noticed. Well, what goes down must go back up, and after being passed by a number of runners, including Fly the Friendly Thighs and Company, we started climbing a street back into a nice neighborhood.
Crossing a busy intersection, the remaining runners were spied. Then on-in to the woods at the backside of yet more Embassies. Over the river and through the woods… no no no, that is a different story! Through the woods we went on a winding and winding trail. Upon exiting the woods, we were overtaken by runners once again. AND when the runners and walkers trail split after exiting the woods, those cheating runners, including one of our visitors, Moon, from Pittsburgh, stayed on walking trail! We couldn't kick the runners off our trail… or is that tail!?!
Leaving the woods for yet another nice section of city streets, so we just continued at a steady pace. Beeer beeerr where was the beeerr? We were just getting very beer needy when Moon, who had been running ahead (who said "head" again?) of us, yelled "Beer Near" and ducked between two buildings up the street. Between the buildings, around the side and up in back, we finally found the BEER!
Most of the runners were already there, including Long-time No- seer F*ckin Nutz, and we all soon departed. Our Hare Joe, who was going to lead us straight back on the non-scenic route of Wisconsin Avenue, seemed to have disappeared among the group and so Tartwheel, who is very familiar with the area, said she'd lead us on the scenic route back to start.
Well, no sooner did Black Box, Tartwheel and I leave Wisconsin Ave. when we heard shouts and whistles behind us. There was Joe and Co. insisting that we go back straight down Wisconsin Ave. So we did. The merry band of Alt Viewers was scattered all along Wisconsin on the way back. BUT, we all arrived back safely and the festivities commenced. This ends my trail tale of the "Kill the Killer Bees Embassy Tour" Hash. Please tune in again next week for another tale full of trail antics.
Alternative Viewers, other than those listed above, who I remember from trail include: Keil Bastard, The Mayor, Nice Tits, Blonde Roots, For Sale or Rent, Butt Plug, Rainblow Dick, and Great Puck, and many others who I can't remember or who's names I do not know.
On-On, DangeRouslyClose
Visitors:
Rex Erection, Moon, Thunder Chicken, and Coxstroker
from Pittsburgh; and Soft Surprise from Charlotte, NC.
Virgins:
Naming:
This one was easy, since a name had been specially chosen for
(Just) Joe. Apparently thought he has "twelve inches", so he
was named, "In Your Dreams"
(Just) Bethanne, who has been ducking her naming for several months now, will forever be labeled "1-900-Fu*k Me" for carrying her cell-phone on trail to obviously dial porn lines.
And last but not least we named, (just) Larry. Who is (just) Larry you ask?? Good question. He is the "Stealth Hasher". Larry it seems has hashed with us somewhere around a million times and NO one seems to know him or recognize him. Talk about blending in, Lar. You must break out of that shell. To make a long story short Larry received the name "Inch Worm" and if I could decipher my notes I'd tell you why. Better yet, talk to Larry. Ask him about his name. Get to know Larry.
Hashshit:
Fellatio Throw was awarded this auspicious award; for her
early spring planting.
Showoffs:
Around this time the scribe wandered to get a beer, but chaos
broke out in the circle. Steamer's Bitch was seen showing off
again, doing pushups for a t-shirt (what a tramp); Moon from
Pittsburgh did a FULL MONTY for the crowd and I believe push-ups. No
one would confirm nor deny he did the push-ups with his, um, er,
"manhood". The testosterone was a'pumpin' full speed ahead, and
apparently other pushups were being performed, but this scribe had
had enough, plus my pad of paper was wet, so that's all she wrote,
literally.