Date: May 2, 1999
Hares: Leisure Suit Larry, One-No-Trump, Trouser Snake, Late Cummer
Beer Crew: Rude Boy
Location: The wilds beyond Oakton, VA
Cinco de Mayo is a date of great importance for the Mexican communities. It marks the victory of the Mexican Army (actually about 5,000 ill-equipped Mestizo and Zapotec Indians) over the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. Although the Mexican army was eventually defeated, the "Batalla de Puebla" came to represent a symbol of Mexican unity and patriotism. In the United States, the "Batalla de Puebla" came to be known as simply "5 de Mayo" and unfortunately, many people wrongly equate it with Mexican Independence which was on September 16, 1810, nearly a fifty year difference.
In an uninteresting parallel, Sexo de Mayo or loosely translated by Two Lips on a Dyke as sex with mayonnaise is a date of great importance among the hashing community as well. It marks the victory over another long cold snowy winter, oops, sorry Canadian heritage flashback, mean victory over another shitty week and an excuse for tequila on trail.
Subsequently, a brightly attired group of 102 hashers, but whose counting, lined up in front of Leave It In Beaver and Buttplug, our cold hard hash cash team, to put their money down and take a chance on Leisure Suit Larry's Sexo de Mayo Hash, Version 99. Rumor has it that Leisure Suit has hared this hash for the last 50 years or something close. Makes you wonder why if he's been laying trail for that long he hasn't gotten good at it yet, doesn't it?
Getting to the hash early, as good hashers always do, I was able to observe many strange and wondrous things. Looney, "Tunes" to his friends, must have thought this was a hash formal because he showed up dressed like Mr. Rogers, complete with collared shirt and sweater. Jumping into his minivan, yes a minivan, he quickly changed into the Looney we are more accustomed seeing. Number 2 was in the middle of the parking lot either giving a backrub to Late Cummer or groping her. It was tough to tell from where I was standing because Put the Bitch Down, who by the way put his car down into an embankment on the way down from Jersey, was playing Championship Wrestling with ZimbOObway. He would heave her over his shoulder in caveman fashion and then spin around. Who says you can't tell old dogs new tricks. Pale Rider, KY Belly, Half Monty, and Diaper were all lined up thinking this was some sort of tag team match and they didn't want to miss a chance to put a hold on ZimbOObway either. Speaking of holding it, (just) Eleanor and (just) Laura couldn't anymore so they walked over to the church in search of relief. Didn't they see all the lovely and inviting shrubbery right behind us???
The parking lot was slowing transformed into a Casper the Friendly Ghost look-a-like contest as hashers removed their shirts in the hot sun. The glare coming off those Elmer's Glue bodies made my eyes hurt and I had to return to my truck for my sunglasses. I guess that song Free to wear sunscreen has had an effect because there wasn't a tan line in the bunch. Anyway, on my way to get my shades I was halted in my tracks by a most amazing and rare site indeed -- Put It Out approached Hasher Humper and actually opened his wallet and parted with the contents for a new Beer Y2K Compliance T-shirt. I wish I had a camera because I know that none of you are going to believe me.
We started to circle up, but before we could begin Big Bird Turd called the Virgins forward, had them introduce themselves (as if we cared since they already paid their three bucks.) A lot of clean cut Army types in that group who, I guess, decided that hashing beats fighting in Kosovo. Make Trail, not War. I spied no female virgins in this group so when I got home I asked Jeeves at "ask.com" about it. He knew all about baby pigeons, but nothing about virgin babes. Oh well. Big Bird Turd had a few other announcements that nobody listened to so I won't go into details on those.
The Hares, Leisure Suit Larry, Trouser Snake, Late Cummer, and One No Trump, thrust their way into the circle and explained how this organized cluster puck was going to proceed. We were romanced with a wild tail of sombrero's, Dos Equis, and Kodak moments. What with this being a church parking lot on a Sunday, and the closest Leisure Suit has been to holy ground in quite sometime, he started to shake and speak in tongues and it went something like this:
Padre Abraham tenia siete hijos,
siete hijos tenia Padre Abraham.
Y nunca sonria y nunca lloria....
el unico lo que hizo era esto.....
a la derecha, a la izquierda, hacia abajo, hacia arriba.....
Then he spun around three times, pointed towards an open field – and spandex went flying everywhere! Some hashers running for the trail, some running from LSL!
We immediately charged up a hill (it was a military victory celebration after all) and already walking was Buttplug and her good friend (just) Lori, who looked down at the mud on her shoes then looked up at me and said, "Die tit!", I'm not sure what that was all about but it made me run faster. I passed Wilburrr, Bavarian Bush, Beer Slut, Daisy Chain, Euro Trash Barbie and Foreplay Before Intercourse.
As we crested the hill and came?? upon a water hazard, hashers were milling about waiting for some brave soul they had sent out to check for trail to call back ON-ON. After a few minutes, they decided to just pickup the trail by themselves and they filed one by one off into the big bad woods. I followed. I didn't see any Lions, Tigers, or Bears, oh my, but I did see Pulls Out Early and Mighty Tight acting like experienced boy scouts guiding Ich Liebe Dick and Latin Anal-ist towards some good hard wood! Out of the Bush and Bloody V Reject just looked on and sighed before running off. Before we knew what was happening most everybody was back out of the woods and running down a hill towards a check at the bottom. Steamer's Bitch was pissed by this check, er, um sombrero. He couldn't figure out which way to go and lost his position as FRB. As Big Bird Turd tried to keep the sheep herded Drinks On Me Bud was stopping passing motorists and asking if they had any idea where true trail was. A few brave scouts called ON-ON from within the woods. We went "head"long through a "prick"er bush and formed up single file on trail. The back of the pack was in accordion mode as all the slow bastards had gotten in front and nobody could pass. It was kinda like beltway traffic,…. only different. Hawaiian Puke realized that we were formed up perfectly for a conga line and proceeded to belt out, "Da Da Da Da Da..Hey!". In perfect time legs started being kicked out left, then right. You haven't really lived until you've seen twenty brightly dressed hashers moved by the moment doing the conga through a forest. The conga finally died down after (just) Laura yelled out, "Oh poop!" after stepping in some sort of recycled hay on trail.
Suddenly it got nice and peaceful on trail. Total silence ensued until some hashers started having Deliverance flashbacks and got a little panicked. I heard He-Whore say. "It's quiet, almost too quiet." Chills ran down the backs of us with spines. Sure enough, we rounded a bend in the trail and "came" upon a deer dressed in leather waiting in the woods. Number 2 recognized the tattoo on its shoulder from several weeks back and quickly ducked down. He didn't want Bambi to open another can of wup ass on him. We provided cover for Number 2 and made it out of the woods. Tart Wheel, Cowpoke Her, Ground Chuck and Pinky Penis saw the B-N marking on the road and broke into a sprint. We all took in some much-needed refreshment. When it came? time to leave the margarita check Hollow Point wouldn't go. He moaned, "Screw the trail, I'm not done drinking yet." Now that's a true hasher.
Back up into the woods went the pack, leaving the walking wankers in the dust and staying mostly single-file to avoid bumping each other's margarita-filled cups. A "Kodak Moment" check was reached in the woods overlooking a wild azalea and a stream, so naturally a third of the pack decided to plow through it and tumble down the hill looking for a shortcut. With hare Trouser Snake bellowing "On-On", how could the pack get lost? Another sombrero check was reached by a stream, where Holy Tit boldly jumped in to verify true-tail (note: he really meant trail) was not on the other side. Then came a scene straight out of some jungle film, with dark overgrowths of bamboo, large leafy plants and muck (not to mention the poison ivy!). As if from a dream we emerged onto a nature trail with azaleas taller than Pulls It Out. Sensing the end was near (and because we were all out of margaritas at this point), the pack quickened their pace to the On-In, where the kind Beer Crew had lugged the kegs and coolers hundreds of yards to the circle and Drinks On Me, Bud was dispensing shooters of Cuervo Gold.
On-On, Holy Tit
Preliminaries:
Mellow Foreskin Cheese was welcomed back with a wheelchair down-down.
Put It Out declared at the start that we needed some really crude lyrics to the tune of "I'm A Little Teapot", changing "teapot" to "pervert". Buttplug immediately agreed and enlisted Spits It Out to create the appropriate poetry(?!?). This was accomplished on trail before we reached the beer check in time to get the songmeisters Drinks On Me, Bud and Blazing Straddle informed of the insanity, and was used at the circle to honor Hare Leisure Suit Larry for single-handedly screwing up the trail (cover your eyes, Mom, don't read this!):
He's a little pervert, short and stout,
Here is his in-hole, here is his out.
When he wants to get off, whips it out,
Just strokes it gently, and spurts it out.
Our All-Male Virgins –who made 'em cum - what we called 'em:
Visitors:
Cinderella (just) Bill from somewhere and White Rice from Cherry Point H3 together with twin Pinky Penis and all other Marines Naming:
(just) Kate from Canada (our neighbor to the north) will forever be known in the White House Hash and throughout the world of hashing as Puck Me in the Crease.
Special Presentations and Violations:
Anniversaries:
Hollow Point (25) and Breathless (50);
Last were our Birthday people:
*** Circle Notes by Mellow Foreskin Cheese
Hello fellow hashers. Once again this is DangeRously Close with this week's Alternative View! Information about today's trail indicated that this was Virgin territory - although we had numerous harriers on trail seeking Virgins, I don't think any of them were found!
I arrived at the Church parking lot knowing that this would be another sunny afternoon of debauchery. And so it was. Today's hash was Leisure Suit Larry's Annual Sexo de Mayo trail. There he was sporting his velveteen sombrero and vest, and shaking his maracas (which I might add were quite bulbous)!! After the usual ceremonial stuff and instructions for "KM" checks and promises of Margaritas on trail, we were off.
The Alternative View took us along a nice winding road on which there were some very majestic houses. Unfortunately, there was a little too much traffic, and thus many shouts of "CAR" were heard from the back. Along the winding road we march, Black Box and I taking the lead, One No Trump and friend just a few steps behind us, and Spinal Tap and Hasher Humper and Company bringing up the rear. After walking a short distance down the road, I looked across to see something rather unusual… it was fuzzy… it was rather tall… it had a long neck… IT WAS A LLAMA! Black Box and I quickly crossed the street to stand at the fence of what was evidently a Llama farm! As we stood there gazing at these fascinating creatures, one came running up from the side… wow, llamas sure can move; hoofs pounding, hair flowing…! All other Alt Viewers also crossed the street to come observe these gorgeous creatures. One would think we'd never seen Llamas up close before… then again, perhaps some of us hadn't!
BUT, back to trail we headed. Along more of the neighborhood street and down a big hill we spied the runners cumming out of the woods. Shouts of On-On were heard as we mingled among the runners for just a few minutes. Then, it was runners back into the woods and walkers back to their trail… also into the woods. We hiked and we hiked along a nice quiet stream until we came upon the road heading toward - hopefully - liquid refreshment!. All along the road was nice, plush green grass. The road turned and twisted and on we trekked. Bavarian Bush and Ich Liebe Dick were toward the back of our group chit chatting away in German… must have been good gossip because they were at it for quite sometime! Finally the Beverage Check came into view. MARGARITAS were calling to us…
We met the runners at the Margaritas and then it was off up a hill and back into the woods. After leaving the Margarita Check, Black Box and I were joined by Hymen Dickover and Bramble Bush. We hiked together, carrying and trying not to spill our Margaritas To Go. Someone mentioned "alcohol abuse" for sloshing a little over the side of a cup! But no one wanted to do the accusing, so we kept it quiet. UNTIL NOW! It was somewhere in this section of woods that we came (?) upon the "KM" (kodak moment) nicely marked for us. It was a beautiful wooded bluff overlooking a wondrous valley. VERY LOVELY and an added touch to this already picturesque walk in the woods. After Black Box, (just) Iris, and I, DangeRously Close, passed the KM and began our descent, we heard Kiel Bastard from somewhere behind us say, "I seeee yooouu". We were not too sure who this was directed at and comments were made about him being a Peeping Tom! Geee, is there a naming in there somewhere?
After more hiking, climbing and walking, our little band of wanderers came upon a horse farm where the official trail markings ended. Around the horse farm we went and Mighty Tight and his Bitch (a stray dog that seemed to be following him everywhere) met up with us. Mighty Tight and I, knowing there were a lot of walkers behind us, made many stick arrow trail markings for the others to follow. After walking and hiking and jumping and skipping along the trails in the woods, we finally came back out onto another street of nice homes. Along this road we saw a lady gardening. We said our "hellos" to which she replied, "it must be a nice day for a walk because I sure know you'll aren't horse folks"!?!?! What was that supposed to mean? We kept walking, not knowing quite for sure whether this was a compliment or an insult!
More walking, more hiking, more sloshing until we saw all the congregated wankers in the woods on the other side of the road. We crossed. We drank. We ate. We sang. Kum-ba-ya was begun with the arrival of the cops and so we quickly finished the ceremonies and left the scene!
Other than those mentioned above, Alternative Viewers who I remember from trail include: Fussy Bitch, Tartwheel, Leave It In Beaver, Murray the Dog and his Master and many others who I can't remember or who's names I do not know.
So goes another trail of the WH4 Alternative View… Stay tuned for more of this foolishness next week,
On-On, DangeRously Close
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