Date: May 9, 1999
Hares: Holy Tit, Heating Seeking Moisture Missle, and Dangerously Close (a.k.a. O'Feel-Ya Butts)
Beer Crew: Number 2
Location: Carter Baron Amphitheatre, Rock Creek Park, NW, DC
Titled the mother's day hash or if your mother was here she'd be cursing us now! They promised a mother of a trail and mother, did they provide.
The hares were Holy Tit, Heat Seeking Moisture Missile, and O'Feel-Ya Butts (named for her adeptness in the art and practice of feeling butts so to match the mOOn picture to the owner of the mOOn - hey, guys, I hear she's got great hands -- got 9 out of 12 butts right!!! Father Abraham was led by an unknown Harriette.
The pack was off, terrorizing some family picnickers before heading down deep into the forest of Rock Creek Park. Almond Joy was found at the bottom of the hill, being assisted to an upright position by his virgin, Just Eric. It seems this root jumped out and grabbed his ankle. Across the road was a check, right at the water's edge. Well, the pack, shying away from plunging into the stream, went up the road. Holy Tit (hare) ran with them. Wankers, what wankers!! Yes, he was with youse all with a sh*t eating grin on his face. You all thought it was true trail! Ha-Ha. (HT I'm definitely going to remember this ploy).
The first fording of Rock Creek evoked many whoops and yelps, including "I hope it's not too deep," followed by "oh-mi-god, that's cold on my balls", and gasps from the Harriettes. There haven't been so many wet crotches on trail in a long time! In the middle of the stream were KY Belly, Hawaiian Puke, and Steamer's Bitch looking like salmon (or was that flounder?), unable to decide whether to go up or down!! Go down! Go down! Never listening to a Harriette, duh, they went up! Oops!
Another portion of the pack was seen using the logs to cross the stream. Duh - there's a bridge!! Seen participating in this avoidance of water were leading the pack was He Whore.
About 1/2 of the pack finally crossed stream to a check and on-on to the Mother-Lemming BT - led by Wilburrr, kinda like little lambs following mom, bleating all the way. Realizing their evil ways they cut up this steep ass mother hill and everyone prayed to mother (or was it the hares?): "Holy Sh*t", "J.C.", "what a MF trail!"
Scribe scored a major short cut (whining about already doing 4-1/2 miles that morning at the MVH3 Fat Boys Hash in Martinsburg, WV) from Holy Tit who graciously shared the secret to the beer check, which was shared with Spinal Tap (the slow-ins have to help each other!). Besides - Spinal found a soccer ball on the way down and was having fun playing bouncy ball on the pavement. Though, he was not alone, for O'Feel-Ya Butts (hare) found a "3-fingered Ball in the Bush", a great big black one, (aka Brunswick)
Emerging from the woods onto a paved trail the pack encountered horseback riders who waited for the pack to pass. Back into the woods, down one steep ravine after another, back onto the horse trail where the riders were back with the pack. Wait a minute - the horses knew how to short cut and not the runners! Off the horse trail into a mother lode of poison ivy (just in case anyone was wondering where they caught it!), onto a mound of rubble over 10 ft high where the carcass of a deer was discovered. Spits It Out broke off a stick, maneuvered the skull, still with hair, onto it. Proceeding down another steep ravine - exclaiming loudly, "Anyone want some head?" Well, surprisingly no one did.
No Genitals was seen butt sliding down the steepest incline, while others chose the tumble method. Holy Tit and Heat Seeking Moisture Missile played leprechaun (wrong holiday guys) with the pack. Popping out of no where right up at the checks! Then waiting while the pack tried to find their way, in this case not, and whistle them back onto true trail. More ravines, more woods, another steep mother hill. No Genitals finally caught on and called the pack to follow the hare. Emerging into a residential area with swimming pools - From deep within the midst of a pool, came the shout, "Are you hashers? I used to do that years ago". An offer of beer was made but declined.
BEER CHECK:
Number 2 - 'made it so' with a well designed beer check,
sporting brand new water kegs with blue stripes to match Shitty
Shitty bang bang. The beer was kept out of sight by Tart Wheel,
Friggin' in the Riggin', Mellow Foreskin Cheese, and Poodle
F*ck. First in were Bloody VG Reject, who way off trial,
caught up to For Sale or Rent. And they waited, and waited.
Monica's Pimp, $50 Bitch, Blazing Straddle, Just Pete, and
Just Chris were part of the first lost group. Pulls It
Out decided to talk to the friendly ranger and his horse, a mere
20 feet from the beer van. Sheet move it along, guy. Wilbrrrr
and Goomba, led the real short-cutters in, which without much
directional assistance from Spinal Tap, they might still be
out there.
O'Feel-Ya Butts, Big Bird Turd, and Just Chris played road guards to warn all in-cumming hashers NOT to shout "beer near"!! Finally, last in were the FRBs and those who followed the true trail - or "we did the whole thing!" Banana Nuts, Duck Job, and Spits It Out looked like they would never run again.
Second Verse same as the first. Using the same short cutting strategy worked even better for true trail looped up and down within view of the road. Pecker Checker (winded from the first half) and Goofy (back to blading) came along for the scenery. The view of the pack fording the stream again in a wild hash-like abandon was awesome. However, there was an aberrant group who refused to get wet and were led by two RA's, WH4's own Great Balls of Fire, and the newly installed MVH3's Hawaiian Puke. Yes - they were practicing their magic by leading the pack astray!! Continuing along pavement, crossed over the bridge, we were immediately greeted by the FRBs: Pinky Penis, Pulls It Out, and others came at us declaring "Bad Trail" up ahead. Poor lost souls we knew where we were so we helped them out. BT over the bridge, true trail up into the woods from which you came!!! They quickly r*ced off up into the highland. Their numerous whistles and shouts could be heard from the hillside as the trial twisted and turned intersecting the walker's trail many times. Those mother hares set one fine trail.
The circle was eventually called to order, many attempts were made by Great Balls of Fire, Religious Advisor, and Spinal Tap, Former GM, to get the wankers away from Shitty Shitty Bang Bang, but their vessels were empty and Pulls Out Early, Blowin in the Wind, Just Randy, and others would not disperse until filled. Harem Scarem was still complaining about the length of the Hash Trash - wow - this is the shortest it's been in like forever man!!
Great Balls called the circle to order and called in the Hares for "What a Shitty Trail". Blazing Straddle was song-mistress today & led the pack in song to toast them.
Virgins:
Visitors: Double Dip Her from Atlanta H4 and Sloppy Seconds from Charlotte H3. (Heard rumor that Double Dip Her graciously accepted being 'alloetted' to at the On-On-on.)
Long-Time No-Seers: Almond Joy, Drop Box, Friggin' in the Riggin' and Finger Lickin' Good. Not announced at that moment but noted here are No Genitals (she was whining loudly), Sir F*cks-A-Lot, and Poodle F*ck.
Mothers: Friggin' in the Riggin' (expecting
a little hasher in August), June Cleaver (aka Exhibit A&B) and
the entire Cleaver Clan (Ward aka Kiel Bastard, Wallie aka
Spits It Out, and Beav aka Leave It In Beaver).
And this note from Exhibit A&B after she got dragged in
for Mother's Day (as June Cleaver):
"I'm just glad I had already sworn off dating hashers, cause any chances I might have had are now officially dashed. I don't know how many guys came up to me with a surprised and quizzical look saying, 'Wow, I didn't know you were a MOM?!' and then walked away before I could set them straight!!"Editors note: obviously harriettes have noticed by now why these guys hash - remember, they can't find a true mom, let alone true trail!!
Violations:
A very solemn occasion, a naming: It seems that just 'a harrier' (so sorry don't have nerd name) works with drugs. But the stories were tabled when Big Bird Turd pulled off the namee's shirt. The nominations included: Saskwatch, Viagra Falls, Snatch Watch, BaaBaaBlackSheep, Chakka, Titty Afro, Nothern Exposure, Black Forest, Gorrilla in Our Midst, and Black Bush. For now and ever more in White House and throughout the world of hashing, he will be known as:
Awarding of the Hash Sh*t: now where oh where could it be? Last week's receiver, Fellatie Throw, was called forward, but she didn't have it. She accused some other hasher. But no, Holy Tit jumps forward and declares, "I stole the Hash Sh*t". So by popular demand it was declared he will keep it.
About 1/3 of the way through the circle, #2 turned over beer crew duties to Hymen Dickover for some reason, I think so #2 could do the circle and drink with the beer crew, but he didn't come back to the van until after the circle was over.
A special thanks to Dick is Fine for watching the scribe's White House vessel !!
A special note about one of our scribes - A West Virginia
naming:
It was the MVH3 Annual General Meeting in Martinsburg, WV. Awesome
trail, awesome weather, awesome folks, and an awesome special
occasion!! YES - a naming. After the formal dinner (was this really
a hash event we thought), the hashers were led in games and contests,
one of which was guessing whose full mOOn was pictured. A list of 12
names and 12 photos were placed for harriers and harriettes alike to
scrutinize. There were good butts and bad butts, some hairy, some
smooth. The guesses were collected, the votes were tallied. Dumb
Blond received the first award of guessing the least correct with
4. Other winners were mentioned, but the GRAND PRIZE went to White
House's own DangeRoursly Close! What a woman!! At first
hesitant to be recognized for such an honor, then slowly rising to
the occasion, she quickly gained confidence amidst all the cheering
and disclosed how proud she was of her winning strategy. We all
erroneously assumed she had a keen eye for the lower anatomy!! But
NO! She repeatedly exclaimed loudly, "You've got to feel 'em,
you've got to feel 'em," as her hands grasped air to display her
style. Full Metal Balls (at the podium in suit & tie)
exclaimed, "OH FEEL THEM BUTTS!!" And hence the name evolved. At
the Fat Boy's Hash Sunday morning, in the bright sunlight, and
henceforth and forever more in the whole world of hashing Ginger will
be known as:
OnOn For Sale Or Rent
Hellllllo HASHERS. This is DangeRously Close. I have to pre-empt this week's usual WH4 trail report with a small personal news tidbit [On-Sec note: this is the other version of the butt renaming]...
At this week's Mt.Vernon AGM after guessing the most butts in a game of "Guess Who's Butt is in the Picture", I proudly announced that the secret to my success was due to roaming the room and feeling - as in groping - the prospective butts. Well, that sparked a spontaneous renaming and thus I've earned the moniker O- feelya Butts. Sooooo, henceforth and forevermore I shall be known in the world of hashing as DangeRously Close to O-feelya Butts. Feel free to refer to me as whatever name you wish, DangeRously Close, O-feelya Butts, or even DC2OB. But, remember in the world of hashing there are no rules and I can't guarantee that I'll answer to any of these.NOW, back to your regularly scheduled programming... Mother Nature gave us yet another beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon. I stand firm in my belief that she is truly a hasher. I was a hare and along with my cohorts in crime, Holy Tit and Heat Seeking Moisture Missile, had planned a nice Mother F*cker's Day trail in the peaceful and scenic Rock Creek Park. Well, it WAS peaceful before we showed up!
Father Abe was history and we were off across the parking lot in the direction of picnickers. As Holy Tit and I led the walkers into the woods beyond, we giggled as we saw almost all of the runners enter the woods in the wrong spot, especially Bloody Vaginal Reject who was waaayyyyy offff the mark! Walkers were on. Down into the woods we went. HT directed us off to the left where we hiked up a pleasant trail and once again were On. Most of our trail was in heavy thick woods. BUT, not so thick as to stifle the shouts of "Are You?" and "On-On", and the numerous shrill whistle blows. We heard the runners off and on for most of trail and it was rather whimsical out there in the otherwise quiet park.
Our descent through the woods led us to the river where our trial turned a sharp left. We continued our hike along following the river and soon heard pounding sounds from behind us. Big Bird Turd, Pulls It Out, Trouser Snake and two others were fast approaching us until I deterred them. BBT asked which direction to go to get back on runner's true trail and all I did was point straight at the river thinking they'd just continue on our trail. Much to my dismay, the runners thanked me and were off to wade across and pick up trail. Was it a good day for a swim guys?!?
As I ran from end to end of my merry band of walkers, attempting to keep them somewhat together, I picked up interesting tidbits about a "Bosom Buddies" hash... seems Nice Tits was telling Black Box about how he thought it would be a "neat" idea to get all the "tits" together for a little bonding; Perk-a-Set, Holy Tit, Zimboobwe, U.S. Boobs and Oral Report, etc. I think Nice Tits just wants to be surrounded by tits and boobs! Watch out Holy Tit!
More hiking, more hills, more hiking, more hills following trail until finally we came (?) out of the woods onto a road... which way to go?? which way to go...?? Well, even with my map of trail it took me a few minutes to figure out which direction we were supposed to head ("head"? who said, "head?). Actually this was my secret ploy to get all front walkers together with the back walkers! Sssshhh, don't tell the walkers! Finally we were off again in the direction of parking lots and Pierce Mill and hopefully beverages. We walked down the road, rounded a corner, crossed a neat stone bridge, walked backward through a "BT" and spied that glorious beaten and tattered blue haven... da BEER van. Some of the runners - short cutters? Indeed! - were already there and then slowly but surely, little by little, cumming in from true trail were the remaining runners. This was a record long beer check as the incoming folks trickled in and we all tried to hide our beverages from a mounted park policeman. Well, mounted or not, he must have regarded us as just another "running group" (little did he know) because he left us alone to partake of our glorious refreshment.
After what seemed like hours, in came my fellow hares and finally we pointed back in the direction of the bike path and cheers of "On- On" were heard. I was once again leading the walkers and we hung back at the mill to let all the runners go ahead. (What? "head" again?) It was here that we were joined by Virgin Mary. This brought up many interesting comments - most sacrilegious! Once the runners were off and running heading (another "head!) directly toward crossing the creek I instructed my plebes to go back up onto the stone bridge and cross back to follow along the road. This time, when we came to the split; road vs. woods, we headed (?) up the road toward an older nice neighborhood. Suddenly, we heard a ruckus up in the woods to our right and discovered it was the runners, bewildered and befuddled as they descended the hill and searched for true trail.
Walkers trail was short and sweet to the end... we walked through a quiet nice neighborhood past several gothic mansions any of which would be perfect for a Halloween run! We passed a house with a spare bowling ball stored out front under a bush. We saw several women to whom we wished "Happy Mother's Day." Suddenly we were back to the Carter Barton Amphitheater and spied numerous wankers milling about in the parking lot. This must be the end. End of trail and thus the end of my tale. NOT tail!
Other than those mentioned above, Alternative Viewers who I remember from trail include: Fussy Bitch, Do Me On the Beach, the expectant Friggin In The Riggin , Nice Tits, Cock Spit, Spits It Out, Kiel Bastard, Just Mary (Virgin), Leave It In Beaver, Tez's Smirnoff Smirk and a few who I can't remember or who's names I do not know.
So goes another trail of the WH4 Alternative View... Stay tuned for more of this foolishness next week,
On-On, DangeRously Close to O-feelya Butts