Date: May 16, 1999
Hares: Cowpoke-Her, Steers and Queers, Spuirrel Bait
Beer Crew: Road Kill
Location:Herndon, VA
Corrections: Please note Ms. For Sale Or Rent was the scribe who wrote the "View from the Pack" in last week's trash. The editor regrets the error and believes credit is due to all who work hard scribing!
This will be forever ingrained in the scribe's memory as the "where-the-hell-is-the- beer-check???" hash. But I am getting ahead of myself.
The story begins in the bucolic town of Herndon near a bike path. The deviants made the security folks in both the office building whose lot we parked and in the "rent-a-cop trailer post" in the construction site across the way very nervous. Little did they know we mean no harm- we promised long ago to use our powers only for good.
Anyhoo...this was allegedly a live hared trail. We did see the hares take off with flour in hand, but I wanted proof! Satellite photos will do. Like the breaking wind, Steers and Queers, Cow- poke Her and Squirrel Bait took off!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the GM's uncertain how to handle live hares, futzed about until they felt they had futzed long enough (in public even!!) and then sent the pack after the hares. Great Balls of Fire insisted we walk for two minutes, but being we can't tell time and walk at the same time, off we ran!! Everyone was a titter hoping to catch a hare and take their shorts.
Okay this is where things get fuzzy for the scribe. We ran over the bike path, through the woods, over a bike ramp, and into the sunset.
This is what the scribe can recall from before the beer stop:
OnOn... BiteMeElmo
Well folks this was a beautiful Sunday for a drive to the beyond… I am NOT going to fuss or b*tch (hey Fussy Bitch - no pun intended) about the drive waaaayyyyy out to Herndon for today's trail, because it was indeed a nice day for a drive. I arrived early to do sign-in and it was obvious that everyone was in good spirits and happy to have another sunny day for a hash. Quite a few Long- Time No-Seers - including Sorry My Knees Hurt - even showed up now that the warm weather is upon us!We gathered in an office building parking lot and the festivities commenced. Father Abe was sung and we lingered and "talked amongst ourselves" giving the LIVE hares time to get laid… oops, I mean time to lay the trial. Alt Viewers were instructed that our trail would begin same as the runners and then split, marked with a "W". Target Practice (with her dog in toe) and I started off up the bike trail and before we knew it, Spinal Tap, WhereDafFaKhawe and Leaky Tampon shouted "WALKERS" from behind us. So we turned around, proceeded in the proper direction, coming upon Keil Bastard and Watch it Jiggle as we caught up. Along with Pecker Checker - who seemed to think this was a race, we headed. Up the trail and into the woods. As we got deep into the woods, we came upon a check and since Pecker Checker was no where to be seen - Well, she HAD been ahead (who said "head") of us - we were left to fend for ourselves. Being the capable hashers that we are, we mingled and muddled and fumbled about until finally we encountered what we thought was true trail… we followed this to a nicely marked "BT"! Back we went and since I had been at the back, I was now in the front… let it be known that I much prefer to be in the back! That way I can get a clear view of all the BUTTS and decide which ones I might want to feel later. OOPS! Did I really express that thought!?!?!? I'd deny it, but now it is in print.
Anyway… once we turned around and headed (what? "head" again?) in the opposite direction, we followed trail directly to another check. This one we solved easily and were once again on true trail. Out of the woods we went and it appeared that we were already headed (not another "head"?) back in the direction of the parking lot. Boy that was a short trail! Oops… that was only how it appeared! Across roads, through woods and over over-passes we went, all the while, spying Pecker Checker running way out in front of us. You go girl but shouldn't you be with the runners?
Suddenly we came to a "beer near" clearly marked on the pavement. And we believed it? Stupid! I guess anyone can write "Beer Near" as long as somewhere to cum was indeed beer! Finally - and I mean finally - we crossed another street and there we spied the glorious blue van. A few of the runners had arrived ahead (what? "head" again?)of us and were waiting as we strolled in. Suddenly, the remainder of the pack began to pour in and after we finished our brief refreshment we were off up the trail. Since the walkers were now in the lead, it was up to us to solve the first check we encountered almost immediately upon departing. Well, never say hashers - and this includes the Alternative Viewers! - are smart, because we sure as sh*t just followed (like sheep) Spinal Tap up a trail to a long BT! Even some of the front runners who had begun to take off for trail again followed. Virgin Vince stopped to chat and ask if we "were going to walk back now"? Well, he did not look disappointed when I told him, "NO", trail was not over! We sent him on his way in the direction of the other runners, who had figured out we were retracing our steps on a BT.
Some the runners crossed a road and were headed (?) into a neighborhood. The Alternative Viewers realized that we'd seen no hash marks and started looking around. Hash was spied leading into a field and then the woods. Off we went to a check. We solved this check and were taking off but unfortunately were not out of sight of the other runners who had just found the field. They were immediately upon us and crossed a footbridge over a small stream.
We walked and talked and heard the stories associated with how Watch It Jiggle got her name. Watch It Jiggle and I decided to run ahead (a column full of "head"?!) and as soon as we did, we heard tooting and whooping and hollering from behind us. We looked around to see FussyB, Cock Spit and Betty Crotcher driving up with what they called their "travelling beer check"!! Well, not able to resist the temptation, we climbed in and auto-hashed to the end… well, we thought Fussy was taking us to the end. Instead, she took a wrong turn and we were right back near the start. Racing along, she did a turnabout and once again we were headed (?) to the end. Along the way we passed Leaky Tampon and someone else crossing the street in the wrong direction. We alerted them to this and they too did a turnabout. On-In we all went and joined those who' d already arrived for beer and cookies and miscellaneous other festivities.
And so another great day and another great hash came to pass. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming…
On-On, DangeRously Close to O-feelya Butts
GBOF started the circle by giving what will be our weekly "ticks and cops" announcement and then called in the hares to drink to the sound of "They're the meanest..."
Virgins:
Vince - he made himself cum - Dragging In Dirt
Kris - another self-made man - Self Jerker
Rod - Bloody Vagina Reject - Reject Man
Laura - Eat Me For Breakfast - A Dozen Eggs
Michael - Blazing Straddle - Hot Tamale
Cameron - a second Blazing Straddle victim - Two Time Looser
Josh - a too embarrassed U.S. Boobs & Oral Report - Sperm Whale
Long Time No-seers/Visitors: Bundling Board in town from Maputo and Brenda Flory. Plus a lot of locals: Pasty Bush, Watergate, John HandCock, Just Brenda, Missed Erections, and Meat Puppet.
Naming: (Just) Karla, a newswriter for Channel 4 ,will forever be known in the White House Hash and throughout the world of hashing as Boob Tube.
Special Presentations: Bundling Board for what is now all too common an occurrence in WH4 -- getting engaged.
Pecker Checker and WherDaFuKhawe each reached their 100 run milestone and received their mugs joined by all Grandmasters: Cyclops, Hadam Madam, Spinal Tap, and Watergate.
The Too Many Violations:
OnOn Mellow ForeSkin Cheese