IN BEER WE TRUST
WHITE HOUSE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS

Run #650
3rd Annual WH4 Wine (not whine) Hash

Location: Shawnee Road, Alexandria, VA

View from the Pack

There is no View from the Pack this week. The running scribe did the "Bataan Death March" walkers trail and is still under heavy sedation. So take it away DangeRous Butts, er, make that OfeelyaClose... whatever...

Alternative View, a rear view

Hey everybody - are we having fun yet? This was the Annual Wine and Cheese hash… should have probably been called the WHine and Cheese hash. By the end there sure were a lot of us whining.

Black Box and I arrived together and there were very few hashers to be seen and, in fact, no hares AND, NO wine!! Blowin' in the Wind and Blonde Roots were using the parking lot as a roller rink; blading all about. Slowly but surely, hashers began arriving… Then a couple hares arrived and were soon pounced upon by hashers seeking wine. Everything seemed to be progressing at a very slow pace… was this a sign of things to come or was it just the wine settling in??

Alt Viewers instructions were to begin true trail and that Hare Kiel Bastard would accompany us and instruct us where to go after that. The entire pack headed (who said "head"!) into a new townhome area… comments were made concerning trail going through a model home, but alas, that was not to be… upon exiting the housing area, we came upon a check… which way did he go, which way did he go… (the hare that is)… hashers hashers everywhere… up the street, back down the street, all wandering back and forth while autohashing hares watched from the side of the road! Bad hares! Bad!

Finally, after sufficiently holding up traffic, the pack thought they had found true trail… Alternative Viewers were instructed to follow a slightly different route and turns out WE were on true trail - not the pack. BUT, after trekking through a very muddy construction lot past newly constructed homes and blazing our way through some dense woods and over a creek, we came out onto a road where the runners had been all along. HEY hares, don't you know that the Alternative Viewers get the shorter route, not the runners!!??

We crossed the road and entered woods once again. Through a double parallel tunnel trail. I chose the "road less traveled" on the left and most of the walkers went through the right side. As I was running through the 2 inches of water in the darkness, a male member of the pack - yes, a runner - came (?) up behind me and splashed just to make sure I got wet. Then the male hasher - I don't even know who he was as it was DARK , ya know? Now, I must ask you, what do you think about this being a huge violation… a male cums upon a female in a dark tunnel and makes her extra wet without even identifying himself???!!! hhhmmmmmm Needless to say, I was somewhat flustered the rest of the way through the tunnel.

At the end of the tunnel, I met with the walkers from the other side who were attempting to navigate the rushing water and rocks… SUDDENLY, I heard splashes and screams as Bareback was making friends with a neighborhood snake who's home we were evidently disrupting! I specifically remember this particular quote… "yes, a snake… and he bit me!?" like Bareback just couldn't believe it! Well, everyone stopped only briefly to make sure she was okay, and when she continued on trail, the other Alt Viewers did too… shimmying across a concrete ledge so as to avoid this definite water hazard! I was one of the first to take this route and once on the other side, I leant a hand to: Udder Delight and her virgin, Black Box, Spurt Plus, Crack Shot and her virgin, and several others I didn't know or don't remember. After helping all the others, I was well behind, and noticed our fearless leader, Hare Kiel Bastard, as he "surfed" on a board balanced on the rocks in the water. This was the last I saw of the B man as it appears this is where he disserted us! BAD HARE BAD!

It seems most of the rest of this portion of the trail is lost somewhere in the recesses of my mind… all I remember is that it just went on and on and we felt lost without our hare. Finally we were walking through a neighborhood being barked at by a very yippy dog in the window - and I might add no one asked, "how much is that doggie in the window?" when we came to a corner with a curving hare's arrow pointing us to the right. Well, out of no where we heard whistles coming from straight ahead of us in the woods and then yelling of "On-On" from the left. We squinted and looked wwwwaaaaayyyyy down the road and who should we see waving wildly at us but Haress For Sale or Rent and Hare Pinky Penis. Well, we figured they absolutely knew where we should be, so off to the left we went. Upon reaching Ms. Rent, she asked, "where is Kiel Bastard?" Well, knowing he'd deserted us some time ago, we simply stood there with funny looks on our faces - talk about dumb-f*cking look!?!?! Seems Hare KB was supposed to have walked with us to this point! BAD HARE BAD! Turns out Haress Rent and Hare P*nis were at the beer check! YEAH - and there was much rejoicing!

From the Beer check we took off, and once I again, much of what occurred is lost deep in the recesses of my brain! Again, what I do remember is that trail just seemed to go on and on and on and on. The Alt View group seemed to have doubled in size after the beer check. There were many, many comments about how we'd been out on trail for over 2 hours! already. BAD HARES BAD! The Alt View took us through a very pleasant neighborhood where we were also joined by Duck Job. Running past us, there were shouts of "show us your *ss Ducky Boy" and so he complied. After the houses, we came to a park and a school and by this point, our "walking" group consisted of at least 20 people, including most of the mis-management in attendance! Now we just wanted it to end and around the school we ventured in search of flour… by the time we'd circled all the way around, it was evident once again that the walkers were on the long trail again. Well, it appeared that way… finally, and I mean finally, finally, finally, we ended this very lengthy trail. It was at this point that someone pointed out that since most of mis- management was on Walker's Trail at least the pack could not start the circle without us! There was much whining until finally we got to the end where there was much rejoicing!

Oh yeah, and somewhere above I should have mentioned that there was a terrific Wine and Cheese Check. BUT, I, a) don't remember when exactly it was, and b) don't care when, just know that it was good!

People I remember from trail other than those listed above include: 1st half: Nice Tits, Spinal Tap, Leave It In Beaver, Butt Plug, Big Bird Turd, Bite Me Elmo (and her dog "whitefang"), Great Balls Of Fire (carrying a notebook on trail?) and from the 2nd half: Hawaiian Puke, Udder Delight and her virgin, Blonde Roots, and In Your Dreams. I am sure I am missing some names, "cuz der was lots 'o folks walkin…" but my mind was VERY cloudy at this point and still is as I try to remember.

So went what should have been named the "On and On and On Like Eveready Bunnies" trail! It was another great day for hashing. Next week, same place and same time,

On-On, DangeRously Close to O-feelya Butts

The Circle

Those who survived the run and the walk were witnesses to the dreaded "Circle". First our friendly visitors drank

Visitors:
The Sheik - Oxford University H3
Ubongo - Misawa H3 Japan (although they are no longer)
Vic Helbling - San Antonio
Joker - PH3 Kuala Lumpur.

Birthdays:
Black Box
Beastier Bush
HolyTit
And when one GM drank so did they all...

Violators: they committed rank and desperate crimes but I can't remember what the heck they were!! Wilburr, Steamer's Bitch, Hymen DickOver (ordering pizza on trail), Blowin' In The Wind, Holy Tit, Take Me Drunk, Bloody Vaginal Reject, Hurly Gurly Man, BareBack (for attacking a snake on trail), and all who ran the USO/Colt Ten Miler that morning, Hawaiian Puke, Slip Knot, and Bite Me Elmo.

Others: these folks drank just because-
Bad Dog - Cinderella
Yeast Injection - Long time no-seer
No Butts, NoGlory
Had A Madam - 125 hashes (a card carrying member of the "get a life club")
Finger Pickin' Good - 25 hashes (on his way to becoming a card carrying member of the "get a life club)

And finally, a contribution from Dumb Blond, who spends far too much time on the internet. Plagarized shamelessly from the "Global HashTrash".

• Go Hashing.
• If I could offer you only one tip for the future, hashing would be it. The long-term benefits of hashing have been proved by drinkers, where as the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
• Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until your knees are gone. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much hashing lay before you and how fabulous you really looked drunk.
• You are not as drunk as you imagine.
• Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve a check mark by standing still. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your trail, the kind that blindside you at Happy Hour on some idle Tuesday.
• Run one place every day that scares you.
• Sing hash songs.
• Don't be reckless with other people's trails; Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
• Drink.
• Don't waste your time being FRB. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The hash is long and, in the end, it's only against the hare.
• Remember down downs you receive.
• Forget your lost on trails. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
• Keep your old hash trash.
• Throw away your old beer cans.
• Never Stretch.
• Don't feel guilty if you don't know where you want to go with your trail. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 where they wanted to go with their trails. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
• Get plenty of calcium and beer. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll hare, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have bad trail, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be dead on trail at 40, maybe you'll catch the hare on your 100th hash. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much,or berate yourself either. Your choices are half minded. So are everybody else's.
• Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. And playing it solo can be a source of personal pride and fulfillment.
• Hash, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your neighborhood.
• Read the trail signs, even if you don't follow them.
• Do not read running magazines. They will only make you feel lazy.
• Get to know your fellow hashers. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
• Be nice to your virgins. They're your best link to the hash and the people most likely to hash with you in the future. Understand that hashers come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
• Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes your knees hurt. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes your calves ache.
• Travel to distant hashes.
• Accept certain inalienable truths: Trail will go uphill. DFLs will whine. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, distances were reasonable, Grandmasters were noble, and virgins respected the hasher who made them come. Respect your Mismanagement. Don't expect anyone else to support your hash. Maybe you have a hash fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy pack. But you never know when either one might run out.
• Don't mess too much with your traditions or by the time you're 40 you won't recognize them.
• Be careful whose beer you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Beer is a form of alcohol. Dispensing it to minors is a way of putting yourself in jail.
• But trust me on the hashing.

Back to the Archives Index