Date: July 5, 1999
Hares: DangeRously Close 2 O'feel Ya Butts and Mud Buns
Beer Crew: Steamer's Bitch
Location: Tysons Corner, Virginia
July 5, 1999 Heat Index of 5 Billion degrees run. Or " The I'm melting hash". Happy day after Fourth of July!!!! For those of us still conscious after a day of excessive heat and drinking, it was a day of excessive heat and running. Both activities, running and drinking in excessive heat, are highly recommended by your local Morticians' Association. As a matter of fact, they were our sponsor's for the day.
The run began at 2 pm on this Monday off of work in order to celebrate and reflect on our country's bid for independence from the tryannical British Empire who tried to keep us in chains. While bondage may be fun in other areas of our lives, being told what we could or could not do by a group of panty-waist, wig wearing, old coots (hmm sounds like a Red Dress run) hundreds of miles away, just put our forefathers'/mothers' undies in a bunch. But enough of the history lesson.
As scribe I am appointed to tell "it like it is" so to speak. This is what I saw that day. The pack took off and headed to the Beltway. Joy! A dream come true. Crossing OVER the Beltway. Unfortunately our safety conscious hares had other plans, and trail ended before then. The pack turned, in an ugly, sweaty mass and headed the other way (there are always two ways to go - that way, or the other way). While the pack went the other way, the scribe took the opportunity to tinkle in the bushes and promptly lost everyone.
So, by herself the scribe followed trail. In the distance, the scribe could see hashers, moving in slow motion. Trail crossed Route 123, onto a side street into a wooded area. At this point, Hairy Buddha was seen running along a paved path that was NOT trail. He was not seen again until the end. Perhaps we should be grateful.
At this point the scribe caught up with the pack who were milling about, in the shade of a parking deck, "looking" for trail. Yeah. Right. Trail was NOT in the shade. Trail continued under a fence. Hawaiian Puke and Dumb Blond, being true gentlemen hashers, held the fence up so we could limbo underneath. Leave It In Beaver and others were seen looking for away around the fence but to no avail. They ended up getting all dirty (poor things).
At this point, heat overcame the scribe. She only remembers seeing the check with MVH4 in it and then babbling incoherently to Spits It Out, Lazy Mother F**ker, $50 Bitch, Barney's Bitch, Bad Dog, Beer Slut, Blazing Straddle, Mighty Tight, Cock Force One, Bramble Bush, Hymen Dickover, Just Mark, Just Gordon, Gus, Cervix with A Smile (this is the first time the scribe has seen her actually RUN at a hash) Shriveled Seal, Black Box, Eat me For Breakfast, Cyclops, Dumb Blond, Drop Box, For Sale or Rent, Foreplay Before Intercourse, Goofy, Gladiator and Glad He Ate Her, Golden Shower, Fussy Bitch, Hardrive, West Virginia Woody (and her wonderdog Zoe - who commandeered the beer van, the dog that is, and drove it back to the finish), Holiday Ho, Hasher Humper, Latin Anal-ist (who did not actually run but did show up to eat at the ONONON afterwards- hey! It was the heat. The scribe hallucinated that she saw LA), Kiel Bastard, Missed Erections, Mammorex, No Genitals, Monica's Pimp, Oval Orifice - a long time no seer! (I AM NOT doing this in alphabetical order!) Satan, Small Change, and Stoop Sample. Tinkie Winkie, Sucks It Blue, and TartWheel, were also seen sweating some where along the way.
While the scribe spent a good deal of time walking the trail, stopping to smell the roses and just in general attempting to breath air that was so thick one could chew on it, she still made it to the end BEFORE the beer van.
This festive Fourth (fifth)of July hash was brought to you by hares DangeRously Close 2 Ofeel Ya Butts and Mud Buns who had to drink for both being hares and the bonehead move of writing "MVH4" in the middle of a check. They were half right.
Festive T-Shirts were won by ForePlay Before Intercourse and Cervix With a Smile
Virgins - those fools:
Visitors:
Long Time No See-ers:
The Get a Life Club:
There was general disorder and drinking... West Virginia Woody drank for her dog who rode back in the beer van on Bad Dog's lap (was it good for you?).. Cinderellas: Mammorex, Big Bird Turd, and ForePlay Before Sex, then a number of other folks drank with them for some unremembered reason.
Namings:
Just Mike - I forget the story but something about sweaty
underwear. Therefore and forever more he will be known as:
Just Kate - unfortunately she has the handicap of hanging out with Lazy Mother F**ker, but this did not count against her. Her lovely red tresses did and she got the moniker of
Pulls It Out's kin, whose real name has been lost forever, was named,
Someone got the hashit, but again, haven't a clue as to who....and thus endeth another run.
None today, since our RearView scribe was the hare
On On, BiteMeElmo
And now, here's a teaser for next weeks "Summer of Satan" trash. Tune in for stories so exciting it'll make you wet your pants!
10. Being Towed up the river with Bite Me Elmo, by
Steamer's Bitch and/or Great Balls of Fire!
9. The reunion of twins separated at Birth: Dick the Boy
Wonder and Dumb Blond! It was a tear-jerker even Oprah
couldn't beat!
8. One fantastic naming this weekend. Just Gordon fell
asleep with butter in his pockets and wound up "alone" as it were. He
is now known as "Oil of No Lay."
7. All the folks who traveled from near and far (Cereal Killer
& Sweet Pee, Shit Happens, Softy, and Cinderfella, the folks from
Pittsburgh, etc....) to be with WH4! (No Carolina Trash appearance!)
6. Steamers Bitch gashed by barbed wire on the bad trail
that Pulls it Out and I set..... like a small animal in a
trap!! The glory of my first live hared trail!
5. Cops ! Cops ! Cops everywhere!! Every Bar we went to.... the
cops followed us! Officer temple did NOT show up to come tubing with
us
4. A Pedicure tent set up by the Beaver family; pedicures
and foot massages for all!
3. Watching Spinal Tap and Hasher Humper try to get
over the rough spots where the river was low. It was side splitting.
2. Drop Box going to kiss Steamer's Bitch's face
after SB just applied bug spray.
1. Drop Box, the head Brew Crew member for the weekend,
passed out in the front of the Beer Van Sat nite at 9 pm. It took 6
of us to get him into his tent.