We had 163 hashers, 19 of which will never return because they were virgins!
View from the Pack?
I just love these downtown hashes. As I made my way to Lafayette Park, I was constantly tripping over eye candy. I had eye candy to the left of me, eye candy to the right of me, I was immersed in it, so I embraced it, she slapped me. It was like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I was drooling. Like a good tourist I walked a few blocks more than I needed going right pass Pennsylvania Ave like I knew what I was doing. I had to stand at a street corner for two minutes trying to figure out which way to go. The circle jerk started in front of Bubba’s house and I just knew I could find it if I tried. Utilizing my resources, I went into the nearest Starbucks and order a frozen drink and asked directions. The guy behind the corner asked me where I was from. "Alexandria," I responded. "Oh, that explains it. Two blocks over." "Which way?" "That way," pointing. "Which way??" He grabbed me by the arm and dragged me outside and points me in the right way. I thought I heard him say "Dumb ass tourists" under his breath as I gleefully walked toward the White House.
I made it to Lafayette Park and found a LARGE group of tourists. We had 163 hasher tourists, 19 of which will never return because they were virgins and they were sacrificed. Why? I’ll get to that later.
The first hasher I met was Satan from Baltimore. I knew Washington was close to hell but I didn’t know it was just up the B-W Parkway. Since I knew the usual suspects, I introduced myself to the folks I didn’t know with my usual charm and wit, "I’m Holy Tit! Who the hell are you?" Hey, I actually got a phone number last time with this method. Every time I call that number I get the exact time. Anyway, I met Just Josh, U.S. bOObs and Oral Report’s virgin meat, Just Justin claiming to have hashed once before, Just Olivia who met Blowin’ in the Wind over the internet, you go boy, good job, Just Steve who wasn’t sure if her was a virgin or not, Just Eric who hashed on Valentine’s Day, Just Ellen brought by Cervix With a Smile, good virgin effort CWAS, Just Laura on hash number 4, Just Jim a virgin, Just Julie a virgin dragged along by Just Meghann, and Just Monica who has cum three or four times at the hands? of Service Entry.
Tinky Winky was gulping down some spiked OJ and spilled it all over himself when he saw what Oar Whore had in tow. Woman’s name was Just Brie, like the cheese and just as tasty!
Celtic Climax, who is Welch, had no clue to what this whole Beaver Cleaver shit was about. Just Dave looked more like Clark Giswall, from Vacation, then any Cleaver member.
I did talk with and share a special moment with each of the following hashers, Dick in the Headlights (we said hi), 1-900-Fantasy Maiden (told her to put her hair in the double french braid I so love), Almond Joy (told me about his body count), Chicken Fucker (what the hell did we talk about?), Diaper (bald is beautiful man), Dumb Blond (can’t remember), Fellatie Throw (something about how damn tasty she is), Goofy (about nothing), Hasher Humper (about ordering me a tourist), M.I. C-och Shoots Blanks (good to see ya big guy), Mellow Foreskin Cheese (Look he can still walk!), Mr. Softie (you big teddy bear), Number 2 (I’m sure it was about women), Oil of No Lay (what no chicks with you this time??), Pale Rider (whose the babe you were with?), Road Kill (this wheat beer sucks!), Sand Box (we smiled across the circle at each other), Puts It In (I got a kiss), Take Me Drunk, I’m Home (God I love that woman), Target Practice (with the new short hair do), TartWheel (another kiss), Toxic Cock Syndrome (a kiss and a hug), and Vominatrix (I licked her knees).
Roach Motel was holding court with Duck Job, Dumb Blond, Fag, Hurly Girly Mon, and a bunch of others. She had just returned from Hawaii where scaling cliffs were just part of a normal hash. I saw a gleaming excitement in her eyes. I’m guessing everybody should start climbing lessons to prepare for Roach’s next hash.
Shit Heap, an old WH4er had two Just’s along, Mike and Hensley. Just Stewart had figured out quickly what this hash stuff was all about. He was hitting on Just Camilla, a major hottie, who hashed in Bangkok.
The last group of Just’s I will mention are Just Cleary, Just Nathalie, Just Karen, and Just Diana. I only mention them because, 1) they were a smokin’ bevy of babes, and 2) ZimbOObwae brought them. If they’re good enough for ZimbOObwae, they’re good enough for the trash. Umm, that didn’t sound right. If you saw them, and how could you miss them, you would know what I mean. Speaking of things you couldn’t miss, Pussy With A Porpoise was styling in her tourist wear.
After most everyone had left Lafayette Park to walk down to Pennsylvania Ave for F'Abe, Black Box was picking up some of the cups that had been dropped on the ground and was throwing them into a trash can. She saw some guy walk over to the cooler with the Mimosas, bend down and pick up a fanny pack that was on the ground. At first she wasn't sure if he had dropped the pack and was merely picking it up or if he was stealing it, but she decided maybe she shouldn't take that chance. So she RAN after him, which for her was a real feat. Anyway, she caught up with him and said "Excuse me, but I think you picked up something that doesn't belong to you." He said "No, I didn't", but was quickly trying to put the fanny pack into a knapsack that he was carrying. Brazen person that Black Box is, she grabbed the fanny pack, unzipped the front section, found a wallet and a wad of cash. She opened the wallet and there was a "Jerry Wagner" business card. Obviously, this wallet belonged to either Kiel Bastard or Mellow Foreskin Cheese. She ran back to the grassy area where she saw Kiel Bastard picking up stuff. The fanny pack had KB's wallet as well as the money she had given him to buy fare cards. Quote "Whew. My heart was really beating, I'll tell you. Of course, I didn't figure that the guy who stole the wallet would cause me any physical harm with so many people around, but you never know." Obviously, this episode was an Omen of things to cum later on the trail.....
The circle jerk was held on Pennsylvania Avenue under the close eye of the secret service sharpshooters on the roof of the White House, and the crazy bitch who has lived in Lafayette Park since 1981. The call was made for all law enforcement officers to come forward and lead Father Abraham. It produced one lone hasher, Cyclops. Shit, the closest he’s ever cum to true law enforcement is playing good cop, bad cop in his bedroom. Agent 69 and Pulls It Out were seen hiding in the back.
They Cleaver Family hares came forward to explain the trail. Keil Bastard (Ward), Exhibit A & B (June), Spits It Out (Wally?), and Leave It In Beaver (Beaver). Boy, oh, boy should we have listened.
We hadn’t been running for more than 10 seconds before Pulls It Out had a hose in his hands and was trying to get a wet t-shirt contest going with some harriettes. Nice hose work buddy. Blazing Straddle commented to Floor Show something about thinking Pulls It Out’s hose would have been bigger.
We ran down 15th street to the Washington Monument. The pack was milling about like tourists. Drinking from water fountains and eating pretzels. Okay, I was the one eating a pretzel, but I did share it with $50 Bitch and Great Balls of Fire. The pack started towards the Castle having been unable to solve the check at the Washington Monument ticket booth. Big Bird Turd complete with flag ran by saying, "This can’t be right if we have no marks!" But bravely he led the pack up the mall and off towards L’Enfant Plaza Metro station. Realizing that no trail led that way, I wait. The pack never returned. They zigged, when they should of zagged. I heard they took the Metro and sang songs with other riders and had a grand old time. Here’s where I would list the names of hasher I DIDN’T see since I wasn’t going to run like a lemming down the mall following a non-trail. But instead in an effort to save space, I suggest you just pull out your White House Hash directory and read all the names.
As I stood there with Tinky Winky, SlipKnot, Rat’s Ass Hawaiian Puke, Have Dick Will Travel, and Pulls Out Early, Keil Bastard showed up saying "Stay here, there’s no trail that way. Besides, I have the Metro cards right here," and patted his fag bag.
I saw Spits It Out laying trail the day before down by the Memorial Bridge and suggested "head" that way. So off my little group of brave hashers ran. We ran and ran and ran and ran. We got to see Lincoln, and FDR, and Jefferson and Haine’s Point. I told you we ran and ran. We picked up bits and pieces of trail. We follow old flare marks on the road thinking they were flour. We called out to ourselves, Are We? and answered back, Sure why not! After looping back to the Washington Monument. I called bullshit, not the hasher Bullshit, but just bullshit, told the pack I was running to the ON-ON-ON. They tried to convince me to stay with them. All I knew was that our little lost group didn’t include any women. I was outta there.
Overall, the trail SUCKED, SUCKED, SUCKED, SUCKED, SUCKED, IT SUCKED like a cheap whore, have I mentioned that it SUCKED, it SUCKED like Monica Lewinsky (oops already said cheap whore), it SUCKED like a Hoover vacuum, it SUCKED like something that really SUCKS, like a black hole, or working on Saturday. Instead of a Cleaver Family Reunion it was more like Babe, Lost Pig in the City or an episode of Gilligan's Island, no no wait, wait, now I remember it was like the episode of the Brady Bunch when they went rafting with old telephone poles and the poles split and they had to find there way back though the woods. Do you remember that one, they had to figure out things like on which side of a tree moss goes on to know which direction to go!!! Well, there wasn’t any moss on the side of the Washington Monument or flour either for that matter.
During my investigation into what happened, I found the Cleaver Family E-Mail Diary. Maybe what went astray can best be explained in their own words:
-----Original Message-----
From: Ward Cleaver
Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 1999 1:18 PM
To: Cleaver Family E-Mail Diary
Cc: June, Wally, Beaver
Subject: Re: Cleaver Family Hash Details!I was with the walkers until the first check @ 15th & Madison. I saw a large portion of the pack going down the mall - where there was absolutely no hash -towards the Capitol (they must have been following pigeon sh*t). I managed to flag down a H'n Puke, Holy Tit & small group and get them going in the right direction, but the pack was already past Smithsonian and ignored our calls to true trail.
Oh well.
BTW, I went back down by the Washington Monument last nite and there was still flour along the snow fence line on the south side of the monument for the trail at the 15th & Madison check.
Ward
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999
From: June
To: Cleaver Family E-Mail Diary
Cc: Ward, Wally, Beaver
Subject: Re: Cleaver Family Hash Details!What a mess! About 7 minutes into the trail at a check, someone marked the true trail with a BT, then Dumb Blond whistled ON-ON in the opposite direction and like lemmings everyone went the wrong way. Then BBT (who had looked at the WALKERS map) led everyone to the Metro station (which was supposed to be after the beer check; mind you, NO one was following flour!), and of course, Ward wasn't there yet with the Metro passes. So the pack wandered around dazed and confused and eventually ran to the end, totally missing just about the entire trail. Naturally, the hares were blamed.
Wally and I swept the trail and did find the 4 or 5 hashers who showed up late and found true trail(!) since they didn't experience the lemming factor, but of course, no one got any beer at the beer check.
All in all, it was an adventure in hashing that should long be remembered.
June
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Wally
Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 1999
To: Beaver
Cc: Ward, June
Subject: RE: Cleaver Family Hash Details!Hi Cleavers,
The great thing about Monday's hash is we could do the whole thing over again using the true trail we set! This may be one of the few hashes where people needed to use a brain (no wonder they got lost)! And even if the pack did get totally confused, bewildered, and somewhat annoyed, it's definitely a hash EVERYONE will remember, one that will go down in the anals of hash lore.
Overall, it was great to be part of such a momentous occasion!
Wally
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Beaver
Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 1999
To: Ward, June, Wally
Subject: RE: Cleaver Family Hash Details!Gee, everyone I talked with enjoyed the run despite the mix up. Most of the pack stayed together and had fun running around the mall, then blazing there own trail to the On In. A few people actually found their way to the beer check, including Finger Pickin’ Good - the man can really sniff out beer I have a feeling the Cleaver Family will visit Washington again - stay tuned for Part II.
Beaver
All the above said, this is a hash! Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. If the beer van doesn’t show up, the cops will. Anybody who has hared will tell you that you could lay flour in a solid, straight line using one of the things they line football fields with and people are still going to go off in any direction they damn well please. If you haven’t hared, brew crewed, or made yourself useful in any other fashion, this year, finish your wine and cheese, quit crying about the trail or missing the beer stop (which Looney and Finger Pickin’ Good both found, so maybe you could learn how to follow true trail while you’re at it), email Fussy Bitch and sign up to hare, and quit sucking on the teat. Nuff said.
HOLY TIT!