White House Hash House Harriers

July 9-11, 1999 da Hares: White House Mismanagement

Mom and Dad made me go to camp AGAIN this summer. I hate them. They dropped me off in East BumbleF**k nowhere, Virginia. Front Royal to be exact. They barely stopped to car to let me out and tossed all my camping gear out as the peeled off laughing hysterically. I wonder if I can divorce my family?

Meet my camp counselors: LeaveitInBeaver, DangerouslyClose2OfeelYaButt, FussyBitch, BigBirdTurd, GreatBallsofFire, WheredaFukhawe, HasherHumper, DropBox, SteamersBitch. They scare me. What weird names.

Other kids began to show up, Vominatrix, DuckJob, RuineditForDad, $50 Bitch, Blowin’intheWind, BlondRoot, DumbBlond, Amkneesia, Ballbuster, BananaNuts,CelticClimax, Craft, HadaMadam, Beastiebush, BettyCrotcher, Chicken Fucker, two guys names Cinderfella (fruits!)

Everyone is bizarro. I will make like that I am strange like them so I will fit in. God help me.

I fear for myself. I’ve decided that keeping a diary is a good idea. When they find my body, they will know what happened.

We left camp on buses and headed for town. My counselor, BigBird, said it was an educational outing. It was educational all right. The buses abandoned us in a shopping center parking lot. The other kids, lead by PW were singing songs about dirty stuff and they were all drinking beer. Even my counselor! So, to fit in I drank too. But then the cops showed up. FussyBitch gave ‘em some story about the mother ship coming back for us, so they left us alone, probably to fetch the padded wagon.

Someone called "On On" and we started walking down the street. It was a hot long "nature" walk. HoleyTit was very hot from the walk and went wading in a child’s blow up swimming pool. We ended up at a bar. We went in and drank much beer and danced to music. I saw other campers like ContinentalDrip, CumofaCumofa Sailor, USBoobs&OralReport, KielBastard, JustGordon, CrunchyFrog, DrinksonMeBud, DoubleDipperher, WorkingtheBar, Watergate, WestVirginiaWoody, Beastie Bush, BlowininTheWind, BlondeRoot, C.R.A.F.T and more were dancing about and acting foolish. The bar folks ended the fun abruptly. We were thrown out!

So, out we went singing and laughing, following our trail down the road. So were the police. They stopped a group at the end of the street and one of our counselors muttered, "hoped we budgeted for the bail money". The Mother of the child whose pool was stomped in came out to yell at us too! I Wanna go home! My parents are still not answering the phone. Everyone told stories of how the police stopped them and told them they had better hold it down and stop drinking in public or else...Apparently Officer Jewel, a former DC cop, was cool and seemed amused by us, but advised us it would be to our benefit to lay low. Like this group could do that!

We walked about 10 miles to the last bar where we were too exhausted to cause any trouble. Plus they seemed to like us. SquiddleyDiddly, KeyLessEntry, SpitsitOutand a number of others ordered food. The buses came back to pick us up at 10:30. Whew no more police.

However, HoleyTit, Fag, DumbBlond, decided to run back to camp. DumbBlond carrying the camp flag of course. They were running down a pitch dark, two lane narrow country road (albeit on the correct side of the road), but this sight panicked a driver, who ended up running into another car sending them both off the road. No one was injured, no one died, the police and an ambulance showed up and DumbBlond directed traffic. God save us all!

Finally, back at camp..made it into my bed safe and sound and locked my tent, hoping the drunken Jagermeister, Tequila, shooting crowd out side would not find me!!!.

Saturday, July 10, 1999.

Those NAZI’s!!! They made me run this morning. Over rocks and water and through the woods. The only decent part of the whole run was the "butt check". WellDrilled and I formed narrow wall informing all that went by (males) they must show their butts. All were willing. Scary. Those who were seen baring buns and not baring buns Speedie Edie, Soft Surprise, DoubleDipper, Drag Queen, ExhibitA&B, EuroTrashBarbier, Goofy, Gopher, Hardrive, HaremScarem,SkunkDick, ShitHappens, ServiceEntrance, SpitsitOut, RoseEh, RodentFeltcher, RexErection, PuffBalls, PuddleF**ked, MudPie, FreeWilly, Dick inThe Headlights, Dumb’N’Dumber, HarePie, GroundChuck, Gopher, Goofy, JoeyButtafuckMe, HawaiianPuke (who brought his own plunger pot to make coffee over a campfire) FullMetalballs,ExhibitA&B, HurleyGirleyMan, MudPie (who was dispensing medication to very hung over campers at breakfast).

The best part was after running we went tubing down the Shenandoah. Four tubes contained kegs of beer (boy can the kids at this camp drink!) The other 120 tubes contained campers. WOW! What a Cloister F**k it was when we got in the water. Not to mention the fact that the water was barely moving, therefore we were barely moving. All the beer was gone before we even went a ½ mile. I was trapped with WellDrilled, LazyMotherFu**er,FireCrotch, PW, and another camper whose name has escaped me, but he will always be remembered, because he and PW felt the need to commune with nature so off came their shorts. Eyow. Too bad I did not have my camera!

There was no room for water in the river because the collective weight of Jwalker, LikLik, MissedErections, MightyTight, Moon (who did), Mr.Softie, Nippstik, Number2, CerealKiller, Cyclops, PayperView, Perk-a-Set, PiggusDickus, PigsInSpace, PoodleFucked,PuffBalls, Rack’N’Sack, RaiseMyTitanic, RexErection, Rubber, Sex Toy, ShineOnHarvestMoon, ShitHappens, SkunkDick, Slappy, SoftSurprise, SpinalTap, HasherHumper, StrokeforaBuck, StupidisAsStupidDoes, Sweetpee, TakeMeDrunk, I’m Home, Twatever, ubongo, UdderDelight, a Lot of people named JustAtine, David, Ellen, Faye, Gordon, Ian, Irene, Jared, Jen, John, Karen, Karin, Kathleen, Mark Mike, Norma, Rodd, Silvia,Tricia, and William, Recruiter, SkunkDick, Sox Toy, Slappy, and WatchItJiggle, and 105 other odd, and I mean odd, campers, were completely clogging the river. Satellites that day were probably sending back pictures of a huge orange mass just sitting stagnate on the Shenandoah river.

Eventually the keg ran dry so PW and natureboy took Vominatrix, with her tube and kidnapped another keg. PW had a huge shit-eating grin on his face as though he just found a million dollars. However, the keg was floating too well. We yelled it must be empty, but he insisted it was not. The keg was ceremoniously set up and low and behold...no beer. Somehow my tube came detached and I ended up with camp counselors FussyBitch and GBOF and an empty keg.

Four hours later we were done. We were cold. We were hungry. We smelled funny.

Saturday July 10, 1999- Evening. Dinner, we ate. Where are the arts and crafts? Where’s the archery? Where’s the pottery? The old lady in the camp ground is weird! She keeps yelling at me and I haven’t done anything. I wanna go home!!!!!! There was more drinking and carousing, but again, I missed all this..I was hiding in the woods.

We did this circle thing. My friend MellowForeSkinCheese had this to say about is:

GBOF called together the assembled lounge lizards on the electronic gizmo that passed for a public address system. Sprawled out on the living room furniture were Vominatrix, Have Dick will Travel, Tartwheel, LeaveItInBeaver, U.S. Boob & Oral Report, Poodle F*cker, and Watergate.

The first to drink were the Brew Crew and other the members of mismanagement who were responsible for the weekend’s festivities.

David – Drop Box – Drops A Load

Tina – a second Drop Box virgin – Big Fucking Beer Mug

Norma – yet another Drop Box addition – Play With My Box

Bill – a fourth Drop Box guest – Jerry Garcia

Mike – you guessed it, Drop Box – Cheaper By the Dozen

Kathy – yup, brought by the ever-popular Drop Box- Sex on the Beach

Ellen – finally somebody different, Double Dipper – Doubly Good

Karin – second Double Dipper virgin – Sandwich

Karin – yet another Double Dipper addition – Menage a Trois

Guess what? The two responsible for this crew also had to drink with them.

We had too many visitors from other Hashes to mention. The hashes were: Atlanta H3, Atlanta Moonlight H3, Baltimore/Annapolis H3, Boston H3, Brussels Mannekin Piss H3, Charlotte H3, Claremont Mudders, Dewey Beach H3, Ft. Eustis H3, Happy Heretic H3, Hogtown H3, Hokessin H3, Houston H3, Misawa, Japan H3, Mt. Vernon H3, OTH H3, Philadelphia H3, Pittsburgh H3, Port Moresby, New Guinea H3, Richmond H3, Seattle H3, Summit H3, and Tidewater H3.

Spinal Tap – 469, which lead to one old decrepit cripple drinks, all decrepit cripples drink, all GMs drink, all mismanagement drink, and all Cheeseheads drink.

And the big winner, GBOF, with 200 runs, for which he was presented with a lovely shiny pewter mug.

(Just) Jen who is a writer for a non-profit and who spent the night in the same tent as Pulls It Out. Nominations were: Anal Floss, Top Less, Help Me Get Off, and Tent Peg After a run off with Pop Top, henceforth and forever more, she will forever be known in the White House Hash and throughout the world of hashing as Puts It In.

(Just) Tricia who had quite a time at Dewey Beach and likes to play with Doctors at her job at GU. Nominations were In the Buff, Trailer Trash, Sand In Her Box, Crab Bait, Something Smells Like Fish, and Play Doctor With Me. It came down to a runoff between Beach Blanket Bimbo and Sand Box. From now on, she will forever be known in the White House Hash and throughout the world of hashing as Sand Box.

(Just) Gordon was kind enough to give up tubing to help the lunch crew and went to bed Friday night with eight pads of butter in his pocket but still didn’t get laid. This was easy. Although there were many lame nominations includeding Lame Dick, Meat Wagon, $2 Whore, Clit Clapper, Cums In Handy, Bust Stop, Bubba Bitch, Tiny Bubbles, Lawrence Welk’s Bitch and Crevice Tool, one was adopted by acclimation. Henceforth and forever more, he will forever be known in the White House Hash and throughout the world of hashing as Oil of No Lay.

Special midnight naming of (Just) Faye from Houston. Nominations were Rough Rider, Troll Bitch, Flight Stimulator, Meow Meow, and Less Filling Tastes Great. Henceforth and forever mor, she will forever be known in the White House Hash and throughout the world of hashing as Dick Rejecter.

Tartwheel, Spits It Out, and Dick the Boy Wonder for musical performances in the middle of night

Pussy Whipped for violating Fussy Bitch by pulling his pants down (ho hum)

Holy Tit, Domb Blond, and Fag for causing a car accident on the highway which closed it for 45 minutes

In Your Dreams for calling AAA for lost car keys which were left on table

Drop Box and Lazy Mother Fucker for environmental in river

Vominatrix for something or other

PW for trying to steal an empty keg

Spinal Tap, Hasher Humper, GBOF, and Kraft for lacking basic tubing skills on the river which resulted in their being towed in which led to all GMs drinking.

Dick the Boy Wonder and Dumb Blond for being reacquainted after being separated at birth.

Drop Box, and Steamers Bitch who received a Brew Crew T-shirt, and all the rest of the Brew Crew for all their work:

Fussy Bitch for all her work on the event which led to all Bitches drink, all GMs drink, all mismanagement drink, all Cheeseheads drink, and all TOBW s drink.

Finally all the hares for the weekend led us in Swing Low

They made be "hare" this morning. I was the only conscious person left, so they handed me a bag of flour and I had to leave a trail. It was only a ten minute walk, but boy the whining was amazing. TartWheel thought there would be poison ivy and used ivy block. The most dangerous plant on this trail was grass..not the kind you smoke.

Afterwards, again they did this Circle Ceremony. MFC is quoted as say, "The Circle was very short as was fitting at the end of a great weekend. GBOF first called the hares – Bite Me Elmo and DangeRouslyClsoe/OfeelyaBustts – into the circle to drink coffee or some other concoction. Next were violations: Full Metal Balls for running; Two visitors for sex on trail; Drop Box and PW for losing their cups; and FMB and Craft for being FRBs which led to all GMs drink, all Balls drink and all TOBWs drink"

Then everyone broke down their tents and people began to leave.

Mom and dad never did come back.

I just broke down.

People are nice here. They make me wear this jacket and I can’t move my arms, but at least they feed me, and take me to the bathroom, and let me sit outside with the sun on my face (I am writing this with a pencil in my teeth, pushing each key) sometimes the other kids here start to scream and flail about. I just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh (sob!).......help........

Summer Party Weekend? Well, yes it was, and for those of you who did not go, boo hiss, a good time was had by all!

Friday: Everyone was nice enough not to arrive all at one time! I believe JWalker from Pittsburgh was first to check in - even before our own MisManagement. He was tuckered and tired from the drive and from working on stuff for America's Interhash '99. This was going to be a weekend of R&R! For those of you who didn't get introduced to him, he was the guy who spent the afternoon slumped down and vegetating in a lounge chair near the registration table.

Pub Crawl buses arrived and we were off into town for the much anticipated hopping. BUT, I was on the last bus along with Hawaiian Puke, Gopher & Pigs in Space, Drinks on Me Bud, JWalker (who had managed to pry himself out of the lounge chair), Pulls It Out, and many others. When we arrived, three wonderful Front Royal police cruisers were just waiting for us! An Officer boarded the bus, counseled us, and then we were off. Immediately all riders of the third bus just stood in the middle of the parking lot in wonderment of what was next. Seems no one knew where our "trail" was supposed to go from here! So, off wandered Pulls It Out and the rest of us followed like sheep. Carrying empty drinking vessels (of course my cup is empty Mr. Officer!) we trekked down the road and found flour… and marched… and wandered… and ambled… and wondered, "Where the h*ll is the first pub?"!!!

Soon we rounded a corner and found Hard Drive standing outside of a country store with a near empty case of beer in his arms! Gee, this was interesting… We took his beer and moved on, still wondering. Finally we arrived a bar who's gatekeeper made anyone carrying liquid refreshment dump it out before entering.

We went in, consumed copious amounts of beverage, danced a little - with PW in his nightie! and then moved out in search of the next pub. All the way through town we walked, ran, and stumbled with cops following us the entire way. Was this ever going to end…?

Finally we found pub #2, and were instantly shuffled out onto the back patio. By now we were indeed all crawling, and discovered that this was the last stop. We had 1.5 hours before the buses would be there to pick us up, so most folks settled in and had a bite to eat… Drinks On Me Bud, Big Bird Turd, PW, Rose Eh, and many others were seen inside, Cum of a Cum of a Sailor, Joey Buttafuckme, Chicken F*cker, Soft Surprise, and many more were outside.

We drank, we ate, we boarded the buses back to camp. Along the way back, we saw Dumb Blonde - still carrying the White House Flag - and Holy Tit! on the side of the road with the cops (oh no!). Later we learned they were assisting at the scene of an accident, which thankfully (and miraculously) did NOT include any hashers! My night ended after assisting the mysterious midnight hash fairy with the planting MisManagement candid photos on all the cars!

Saturday: Morning coffee… overcast skies and spying Holy Tit! arriving back at camp from a 15mile run! (I can't believe we didn't make him do a down-down for this!)… drizzling rain, which lead to greater humidity (YUCK!)… Morning hash around the camp… more drizzle… A hearse showed up!

Incredible how unrelated circumstances always prove to be true hash experiences! The hearse was actually a locksmith for In Your Dreams who thought he'd locked his keys in his trunk. DUH! Turns out the keys were lost and found and were at the registration table the entire time. Much ado about nothing… Then those who were tubing were off across the road to start the tubing hash.

I was on lunch duty, and along with JWalker and Mellow Foreskin Cheese (both also on injured reserve) and WhereDaFukHaWe and Just Gordon, we packed coolers (Spits It Out helped too!) and snacks into Just Gordon's truck and headed out to find an appropriate spot for the lunch stop.

We found a spot, unloaded and began to wait, we waited and we waited and we waited. Finally we saw a group of people tubing very slowly and sedately up the river… we cheered and shouted "on-on" the beauteous sound of the returned echo "on-on" came and we jumped for joy! We waited patiently for the vveeeerrrrrryyyy slow moving bunch to get closer and made jokes about how calm the group appeared. (Q: How do you calm 140 partying hashers? A: Put them on tubes in a river!)

When the tubers finally approached the shore, we realized that the reason for the peacefulness was that this was NOT hashers! So, once again we waited, staring with anticipation up the river. JWalker and I went into town to run an errand. We arrived back to learn that the hash had still NOT been sighted. After a few minutes, we departed once again, this time headed (who said "head"?) back to camp, to shower and rest. On the way we saw Steamer's Bitch, Dumb Blonde, and Big Bird Turd heading in the opposite direction! Turns out the low water level made the river very slow moving and thus the hash was still out in the water somewhere down river! JW and I still gave up and went back to camp.

After a nice shower and a few hours of enjoying quiet time and the peacefulness of camp, buses began to trickle in carrying the wayward, exhausted hashers. As folks stumbled off the buses, the caterers arrived and I put away my book and began with dinner preparations. As the dinner bell rang, it was evident that many of the exhausted hashers had turned in for naps! The camp was serene and still - - sorta erry considering this was after all a HASH camp! Slowly but surely things began to liven as everyone was fed and prepared for an evening of fun and games… No wait, that was later, after we had Circle!

Circle was still sorta quiet as many people were still waking up. We honored… no, we toasted…. no, we down-downed - - yeah well, its all the same thing isn't it? all the visitors, which included folks from: Houston H3, Hockessin H3, Austin H3, Fort Eustis H3, Atlanta H4, Pittsburgh H3, Port Moresby Papna New Guinea, Brussels Mannaken Piss H3, Boston H3, Summit H3, Hogtown H3, Tidewater H3, Happy Heretic H3, Seattle H3, Charlotte H3, Claremont Mudders, Atlanta H3, Atlanta Moonlight H3, Misawa H3, and the Drop Box Lake Crew. We had lots of Virgins: Yeah, like I was really going to write them all down and then list them here! I got a life ya know! Down-downs were done for violations (all I know is that I wasn't getting violated!), which included Pub Crawl Hares for the billion mile "crawl" on Friday, Great Balls of Fire as Religious Advisor for not convincing Mother Nature to cooperate, Tubing Hash Hares for low water level, all male hashers for NOT running up river first to urinate and raise the river levels, Drop Box for being a Virgin King, and more that I can't remember! Circle was wrapped up in the usual way by singing Swing Low.

Now lets see… my mind clouds after that… oh yeah, I remember! Drinks On Me Bud lead a group of rested and rowdy hashers in games. I remember naked people walking through the camp using tiny glow sticks in unusual ways. (Was this Watergate and Pay Per View's Midnight Naked Hash at 11pm!) I remember hashers playing strip poker and sitting on splintery wood picnic table benches! I remember wandering near the Cleaver camp and witnessing men with painted toenails and men giving massages to men (I ran from that site!). I remember walking around, and eating and "giving good watermelon" to many male hashers. I remember…. nothing else because the watermelon was spiked and that was the end of Saturday for me!

Sunday: Morning coffee… the return of sunshine! Praise Mother Nature! Once again catching Holy Tit! - this time joined by Vominatrix - going out for a morning run! (Again, why didn't we make him drink for this?!?)

WOW, Pussy Whipped was up at a reasonable hour and was showered and ready for the Recovery Trail! Haring the Fat Boys (and Girls) Recovery Run was an interesting challenge as most of the camp grounds had already been covered… Great Balls of Fire, Bite Me Elmo and myself led a group of hashers (now these were hashers were really crawling!) under the road to a small camp on the other side, across a dry creekbed (shiggy for which we later had to drink!), up a small hill (more shiggy), through a parking lot of the tubing place, across the road and back to camp.

WoW, Bite Me Elmo had waaayyyy toooo much sleep! She was bouncing along singing and dancing, and exhibiting toooooo much energy. Someone slap her next time! We had a short Circle, including down-downs of coffee for the Hares (GBOF, Bite Me Elmo and myself, DangeRously Close, the FRB's (Gopher & Pigs In Space), the short cutters (Holy Tit and Vominatrix) and Gopher & Pigs In Space once again for holding hands on trail. After a sedate and slow Swing Low, hash was ended. People broke down camp, cleaned up and it was On-Out to destinations unknown…

Many Many thanks to all who attended and made this event a success!