Version A:

Warning:  This paper contains random rantings, poor attempts at humor, general dribbling, innuendo, and blatant lies written by various WH4 hashers in order to embarrass, taunt, and otherwise cause rumors about other members of the hash!  All facts, real and imagined, are written with no basis in reality other than what the scribes mental state is at the time of writing.

Elmo Hash

Bite Me Elmo and Shave Me Elmo
Saint Elmo Street, Bethesda, Maryland
Run #701, Sunday March 26, 2000
 

A Hash is something we promise is going to excite you
(Hahh-ah-ah-ah-ahh)
A Hash is something as thrilling as it can be
(Hahh-ah-ah-hah-ah-ah-ahhh)
Hashes make wonderful stories and so we invite you, yeah
(Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooooh)
To hear about something that happened to my friends and me.
(Hah-ah-ah-ah-ah. Hah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhhh. Oh!)

(Spoken) Here we go!

Took off in Bite Me and Shave Me Elmo's jet
(their jet)
A ride we won't forget
(won't forget)
And bailed out just above Bethesda, Maryland
We ran for hours and hours
(and hours)
Then found a blue spooky van
(The Beer Van)
Inside we helped the brew crew with their pouring

chorus:
HASHING!
We swear to you
HASHING!
Our story's true
We had a Hash today
We had a Hash
Oh, what a thrill
HASHING!
Say what you will
It really happened to us just this way
We opened up the door
(Opened up a door)
And saw Jail House Cock
(Uh-oh! Jail House Cock)
He was chasing Steers & Queers, but that boy got lucky
Quick thinking saved the day
(Saved the day)
We scared that beast away
(Get Back!)
With just a squeak or two from Duck Job

repeat chorus

(Go! Go! Go! Go!... continues under next verse)

With the help of some hash on the trail
We found our way aboard the metrorail. OW!
Went further out of space than any other Hash House Harrier
And landed on Saturn with enough beer to float an aircraft carrier
We made it back home with the help of Hymen Dickover
Hey, that was some hash. Too bad it's over

I apologize for my lameness, I have no further information to humor all of you with.  So, go screw yourself, next time you can do it yourself!
-ON! ON! Hurley Gurly Man
 

Version B:

IN BEER WE TRUST (all others must pay)

Run #701
Elmo Sister’s Hash

Date: March 26, 2000

Hares: Bite Me Elmo and Shave Me Elmo

Beer Crew: Barney’s Bitch (wrong show), with help from Jailhouse Cock (aka Snuffy) and Big Bird Turd

Location: St. Elmo’s Street in sunny and majestic downtown Bethesda
 
 

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the beer is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to St. Elmo Street ?

Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly hashers there
That's where we meet

Can you tell me how to get
How to get to St. Elmo Street?

This is what the hares promised us.  Sunny days, beer and lot’s of shortcuts.  And they actually delivered.  It was a great day, I saw lot’s of sunshinning faces on my hash buddies, the keg was tapped and nector was flowing freely.  It just couldn’t get any better than this I said to myself, when suddenly NecroFeelMyAss showed up wearing black spandex tights, even my pocket muppet was happen.

As I got in line to check in, I over heard HashCash beancounter Raise My Titanic checking in the hashers in front of me, “One, one hasher, three dollars, Two, two hashers, six dollars.”  Penis.Cum only had $2 and that totally messed up her counting.  As she recovered from that Tez's Smirnoff Smirk plays the same game and only gives her $2.  BullShit didn’t understand how the game worked and used a $2 bill along with a single.

Later after getting a beer, I walked by to talk to Chicken Fucker and Free Willie and heard Eighty five, eighty five hashers, two hundred fifty three dollars, eighty six, eighty six hashers, two hundred fifty eight dollars” she obviously knows her stuff.

I saw Spits It Out, and Spurt Plus, Tick Cock, TipperWhipper, Watch Her Blow, Well Drilled, and Fellatie Throw in my magic view screen.  Peace of Ass had a new M-A-N with her.  She introduced him to me but he didn’t have tits so I didn’t pay attention and forget his name.

JiffyLube, $50 Bitch and Dances with Dildos were right in line with the theme of the day as they tried to lure hasher men over.  The sales line “Would You Like to Buy an "O"? seemed to be working as it had KielBastard, Mitey Tite, Gets Off Easy, and Dumb Blonde lined up.

Back over in a corner of the parking gargage I spied with my little eye Crunchy Frog and Trouser Snake playing something wicked.  It resembled Rub your tummy and Pat your head but looked to me more like I’ll rub your titties and you give me head.  Made me reminisce about my old playground days.

Suddenly whistles were blowing and people were yelling and I thought our little playmates had been busted, but it was just the call to the circle.

The hares, Bite Me Elmo and Shave Me Elmo explained the trail.  Oscar’s were BT’s, Elmo’s were checks, Tweedlebugs live in flower gardens, Bird Bird's a slut, and anyone who wanted to munch on their Cookies like a Monster was to see them after the hash.  No references were made to Bert and Ernies due to the new White House Don’t ask, Don’t tell policy.

Next the hares sang:
Well, you can run in the grass.
You can run in the street.
All you've got to do is put wings on your feet.
So hold my hand, and what do you know?
Just take a deep breath and ready, set, go.

And we were off.

Or should I say the pack was off.  Gladiater, Haren Scarem, Leisure Suit Larry, even Number 2 ran past me in a flash.  They were too fast and soon were out of sight and out of mind.  I found a flower that looked like it needed watering.  (I knew I should have gone before I left the house.)  After refreshing the drying flowerbed, I ran to catchup with the pack.  Looking up there was Elmo (I don’t know which one, they all look the same to me, though I’ve heard that one of these Elmo’s is not like the others, one of these Elmo’s just has no hair, one of these Elmo’s is not like the others, well I can tell you the both don’t belong,) where was I? Oh yeah, I saw Elmo providing a short cut into a nice clean Bethesda alleyway (hey cleaner than my apartment) and soon was back up with the pack.

Andy Warhol said that everybody gets 15 minutes of fame and today mine came.  Well atleast 3 minutes of it anyway.  As I stopped to look both ways before crossing the street, I heard a cry for help and looked up.  There stuck on the top of a tall chainlinked fence like a thrown muppet, was DuckJob.  I knew I had to act fast, the shooter check was right around the corner and they were going fast.  Suddenly I was SuperGrover and flew into action.  I leaped to the top of the fence and gently lifting the stranded hasher, freed him from his entanglement.  I then flew back to earth, set him down and all was right again with the world.  The story that Fucks Like a Banshee, Goofy, and Inch Worm tell of me running to the fence and DuckJob falling on me is not correct.  They need to learn about tell lies.

Speaking of telling lies, Poodle Fucked that bastard yelled Beer Near twice while on trail when there was no beer to be found.

Being a Hero I was able to have two shooters at the Elmo Shooter Check.  Sir Fucks A Lot, Watergate, WhereDaFukRWe and Vibrator urged me to take more saying there’s always room for jello, so I had another.  Up until now I thought that saying had to do solely with sex, not eating.  Learn something new everyday.

At the beer stop, Swings Both Ways was trying to pick up Just Camilia (who wasn’t I ask you?) and told her his name was Swings.  FAG was quick to point out exactly where he swings and a unarmed mentla battle ensued.  The Pimp of Sarajevo quickly moved in and wisked her away to go play Show ‘n Tell.

Speaking of I’ll show you might if you show me yours, OneTitOnly showed up at the beer check having run the trail backwards.

Anyway, We hashed in the city.
We hashed in the park.
We hashed in the sunshine.
We drank something dark.

We hashed for shooters of Jell-o.
We hashed for pitchers of beer.
We hashed and shouted OnOn.
We hashed that much was clear.

We hashed in ritzy Bethesda.
We hashed on lawns covered with clover,
We hashed in alleys without any shiggy,
We saw St. Elmo Street and then it was over.

Back at the parking garage $50 Bitch was holding DuckJob and singing to him to calm him down from his terrible scare.
"Duckie Duckjob, you're the one,
You make hash time lots of fun,
Duckie Duckjob, I'm awfully fond of you;

Duckie Duckjob, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make noise!
Duckie Duckjob, you're my very best friend, it's true!

Every day when I
Make my way to the hot tubby
I find a little fella who's
Cute and yellow and chubby
rub-a-dub-a-dubby!"

Hey don’t judge, everybody’s relationship works differently.  Theirs involves singing and hot tubs, yours might involve whips and chains, mine usually involves $60 and first names only.

The Circle

Let’s see the circle, the circle, oh yeah I was sober for that.

Virgin With Mary and Bad Bush (aka The Volleyball Queens, yes BB’s team won again) claimed to be showing Albatross and Back Snatch some type of serving maneuver but it liked like spanking to me.

Deaf Lesbian must not have heard the call to the circle because he was gone when they called him forth for something or other.

It was pretty much your standard circle jerk.

Following people got Mugs:
· Bad Dog (118 runs) - who was late, as usual, somebody needs a lesson in telling time.
· Jailhouse Cock (26 runs) - who bitched because he didn't get his on the 25th run.
· Gets Off Easy (88 runs)
· Spits It Out (147 runs)
· Cross Dresser (? runs)

Shave Me Elmo was supposed to get a mug but was too drunk to come forward when her name was called.  From what I understand there was a oversight in the number of jello’s actually needed and somebody told her that they would go bad if not consumed immediately.  Waste not want not, soon she was a combination Take Me Home I’m Drunk Elmo and Easy Piece of Ass Elmo.

Following people were recognized for anniversaries:
· Goofy - 295 runs (and he's never been a hare!)
· Leisure Suit Larry - 150 runs
· Raise My Titanic - 60 runs (!?)
· Stool Sample - 169 runs

Following people were long-time-no-see-ers:
· Cross Dresser
· Albatross (8 years since last hash!)
· Greasy Balls

Following were virgins (and who made them cum):
· Joel Heiserman (Raise My Titanic)
· Kai Yamaguchi (Peace of Ass)
· Bill Bates (Free Willie)
· Jeanne Brown (Just Liz Kane)
· Lisa Doughten (Poodle Fucked)
· Jason Rao (Tipper Whipper)
 
 

OnOn... Holy Tit!

Announcements:

1 - Hasher Humper made some type of marketing announcement.  I’m sure it was important.

2 - The Over-the-Hump Hash is having their 9th Annual Hash-a-Thon (4 consecutive hashes in just one day!)  and 950th Trail celebration on April 15th.  All DC area hashers are invited to come join in the fun. The Hash-a-Thon is an OTH speciality and a test for all hashers!
Come out and participate...  we dare you!

Wanna know more: htttp// oth4.homepage.com

3 - Sunday, April 9, 2000, White House Hash # 703, 2nd Annual ? Tourist Hash!!!
**** Run will cost $5 ****

Breakout the Bermuda shorts and cheap sunglasses it's The Second Annual Tourist Hash.  Your tourguides this year are Holy Tit! (again) and Transparent D's (she was a virgin at the tourist hash last year.) and Dances With Dildos.  Prizes (t-shirts and other DC tourist crap) awarded for best dressed tourists, i.e. cameras, backpacks, sunblock, black socks and sandals.  Remember gaudiness counts so dress accordingly.  Still don't know how to dress??? Use dear old dad, Keil Bastard, or Hawaiian Puke as guidelines.  Oh and three sound checks this year so limber up the vocal cords.

Start: Where else but at the DC Visitors Center.  It sits on the corner of Pennsylvania Ave and 14th Street, NW.  Your tour starts at 3pm.  Don't be late and miss the bus.

4 - Hares are now responsible for providing snacks.  You will be reimbursed for up to $35 towards your snack purchase.  Remember to bring your receipt to the hash cash to get your cashola back!

5 - There is absolutely NO ACCEPTABLE reason for throwing beer during the circle.  This is a policy of Zero tolerance.  Taps will be closed and everyone will be pissed at the idiot who does it!  Save yourself the trouble... don't do it.

This Hash was brought to you by the letters F and U.