“In Beer we Trust”
May 29, 2000
Hahs 711
 
 Warning:  This paper contains 100% contaminated medical waste.  DO NOT INGEST. Machine wash warm, tumble dry low.  May cause drowsiness.  Alcohol intensifies this effect.
 
 
 

 Before I forget, the Hares were Just Matt, Pull It Out, and Just Pete (I think…sorry).
‘Twas another semi-dreary day when the pack assembled at the Crystal City Water Park.  Lethargy was prevalent, perhaps because of the weather, or too much long weekend activities, or maybe because we’re lethargic by nature.  (apologies to those who aren’t…you know who you are).
We had many of the usual suspects, such as Tez’ Smirnoff Smirk (dressed to run, for a change), Tits Ahoy and West Virginia Woody, who were busy collecting funds. WhereDaFukAwhe and Road Map (who were busy talking in acronyms… probably an Army thing), Holy Tit, Erector Pili, Moist Sushi, Late Cummer, MicroSoft, Just Jennifer and Just Karen (virgins from Sunday’s run), Telecum (sp?), MFC, Leaky Tampon, Beer Slut, FLAB, and a verrry long time no see’r, Mr. Magoo, former GM of the DC Area Full Moon Hash and (I think) Singapore H3.  Bad Dog showed up on a very sturdy-looking bike, with a substantial helmet, and a Stars and Bars flag.
After our RA finished his chalk talk (disably abetted by Hasher Humper) we circled up for Virgin introductions and other standard activities.  Father Abraham was led by the aforementioned Magoo, the Hares gave us some meaningless instructions, we had a brief moment of silence in honor of those people whose memory we honor every year (I think sometimes we forget it’s more than a day for picnics and shopping at Wal-Mart).  Then it was off through the tunnel under the VRE tracks and over to GW Parkway.  Fortunately it wasn’t rush hour, and everyone got across safely (especially those who used the bike trail bridge instead of the shorter route across six lanes of traffic).  Then it was down to the roads around the parking garage, where MFC and I promptly lost trail, got some ambiguous instructions from one of the Hares, wandered through the Metro Station for a while, and then picked up trail again going south.  Since I had used most of my available energy setting and sweeping part of Sunday’s trail, I headed for the 23rd St. bridge, leaving MFC to carry on the honor of the old farts (which he did extremely well, I might add).
It seems like the trail went into the southern Metro entrance, through Crystal City Underground, and then out of the northern Metro opening.  The Hares had opted for yellow stickies, rather than throwing flour in the Mall….good idea.  In keeping with our relatively new policy of fairly short runs (FRBs should finish in about 45-50 minutes), the trail got everybody to the end in less than an hour, which still gave Barney’s Bitch and Grapenuts time to get the refreshments set up.  By the way…Number 2 actually led the runners in, giving a sound thrashing to real runners, like Holy Tit. The fact that SSBB didn’t have to get pushed or pulled out of anything must have helped.  Even the walkers and some folks who had taken a ‘long cut’ finished in about 1:10.  This new policy, plus starting closer to on-time and having shorter beer checks, should enable us to do the run and have a decently long Circle before it gets real dark.  Don’t forget- - we start at 6:30 PM for the next few months.
After the usual wind-down time for beer and munchies, and telling lies about the trail, and changing shoes, and yelling “One More Layer” to feminine Hashers who were changing into clean shirts, WDFK called the circle to order.  After bringing in the aforementioned Hares, who drank well and were much applauded, our seven virgins came forth.  They were:
Virgin      Brought by                Say Hello To                 Show us (etc)
Cable  Pimp Me Longstocking, Comes in the Weeds  Your  Stars and Stripes
  Ivy Licker
Dana  ditto   Group Grope  rub your tongue on our pole
Peggy  Dead Snatch  Animal Farm  Raise our flag
Heather  Just Cable  Cums on a high wire Your colors
Tad  Just Pete  Cums in the alley  spear me with your bayonet
Erin  Just Peter  Loser   how you rattle your saber
Shelley  Just Liz   Goofy ???  Your Nittany Pussy

We also had some visitors from EDWH3:  Gonad the Librarian, Molly Alexander, and ?? Atwater,
There was some additional foofooraw, including the announcement that GBOF had once more placed first in his age group in some r**e or other.  That’s becoming a habit.  I can’t believe they let him r**e with the 60-year olds, but if that’s what his driver’s license says, who am I to argue?  Oh…Harem Scarem and Diaper both botched their opportunity to lead us in a song.  Mammorex, Free Willy, and Magoo got 25-run mugs.  Full Metal Balls got one for ‘timing’ himself on the Hash, and he joined Well Drilled for being half of a fashion statement.
Then, though the skies were still dark and foreboding, the RA god (in the absence of either of our Grand Mattresses, not that it would have mattered), called forth Just Pete (one of our two new Hares) for a NAMING.  After getting into the appropriate position, the usual calumny began, led off by something about “only met him once, in a dark room” (I think it’s a Marine/Navy joke).  Some of the suggestions were inspired by seeing him climb over a fence in order to run on the Metro tracks the previous week.  These were :  3rd Rail, Barbed Wire Balls, Prickle My Dick, and Shocked Cock.  Others included Gerbil Squeezer (another Navy thing?), Not a Hair on His Peter, Julie McCoy-Cruise Director (that one came from Holy Tit… you figure it out), Initial Penis Offering, and Love Train.  After a couple of rounds of voting, Pete will henceforth in the White House Hash House Harriers, and in the world of Hashing, be known as - - - Shocked Cock.  Much applause was rendered, and he also got to drink, and be christened.
In his infinite wisdom, and since it didn’t look like the police were going to give us any problem, even after cruising down to see what we were doing, WDFK called forth Just Matt.  Apparently Just Matt is also a sailor, so we had the usual round of suggestions referring to that branch of the service.  Some of these were: Naval Warrior, Vaseline Alley, Don’t Drop the Soap, Popeye the Sailor, Lick My Semen, Simple Semen, Sewer Dip, Sewer Semen, and Sewer Sailor.  Some others were Suck It In, Baby Fat, Spankers Aweigh, and Baby Huey.  The lame ones (take your choice) were whittled away pretty quickly, but Sewer Semen and Baby Fat got the same amount of noise 3 or 4 times.  Finally, it was time to “vote with your feet".  After some grumbling, people moved to opposite sides of the circle, where it became evident that the Baby Fat supporters had louder voices, but weren’t as numerous as one would think. As a result of this activity, Matt will henceforth in the White House Hash House Harriers, and in the world of Hashing, be known as - - - Sewer Semen.
There was the usual round of announcements for various upcoming events, including Band Camp, DCH4’s 1111th run, Pittsburgh’s annual camping trip, the  “next Full Moon Hash”, registration costs for Goa and InterAfrica and some other stuff.  The Hares suggested heading for Hamburger Hamlet for $5 burgers and $5 beer, and I’m sure a bunch of party animals took him up on that.  Then it was time for Swing Low, and the Hash benediction, and the general diaspora began.

Don’t forget to bring money so you can buy this spring’s fashions.

Spinal Tap