“In Beer we Trust”
June 5, 2000
Hash 712
 
 Warning:  This paper contains material that may not be appropriate for small children or persons with undeveloped minds.  Please consult with your parents before reading.
 
 

Three for Three (at least)

 If you didn’t mind the threat of thunderstorms, or unseasonably cool weather, it was a glorious evening for our first night-time Hash of 2000.  At least, Major Disappointment, Just John Morris, Master Piece, T.A., and Hasher Humper thought so, as they were among the early arrivals at the Foggy Bottom/GWU Metro stop.  As the evening wore on (where did that term originate?), most of the usual crowd, plus some unusual crowd, pretty much filled up the walkway, causing many students, faculty, and medical staff to go tromping through the bushes to avoid us.  And we weren’t even sweaty yet.
 We had some ‘local’ visitors, and some LTNSers, and some virgins, and a whole bunch of just regular Hashers (if there is such a thing).  Actually, the prunes pretty much do it for me.  Harem Scarem, Moist Sushi, Rhythm Method, For Sale or Rent, Cream in the Middle, No Genitals, Glad He Ate Her, both GMs, Dangerously Close, Black Box, Fag, Bad Dog, Missed Erections, One Tit Only (seems fair…I only have one mouth), Just Jennifer, Just Karen, Mr. Softie, and lots of others were there well before the nominal 6:30 “starting” time.  Unfortunately, scribing was sort of thrust upon me today, so I’m relying on scribbled notes, rather than the trusty (now that I know how to work it) tape recorder. So if you didn’t get mentioned, try putting a personal in the Post.
 After the virgin Chalk Talk (now there’s a good Hash name), WDFK called us to circle up and briefly welcome the virgins.  As usual, we did.  One of our LTNSers (Drop Box by name) led us in a spirited version of Father Abraham.  Then the Hares (Bolo Head Rat, Snatch Shot, and Master Piece) kind of explained the trail.  Then we were off (physically).  At the first possible opportunity one of the FRBs led the pack toward Washington Circle, only to find that the true trail crossed 24th St. and headed for New Hampshire.  The Hares had some cute loops, apparently, since the walkers managed to get to various points at about the same time as the runners.  At least it was that way down to Virginia Ave., through a KenCen parking lot, and to the Roosevelt Bridge,  At that point, I realized I had forgotten my passport, so turned back rather than go to Virginia.
   HH and I came upon Holy Tit and Drop Box down near the Lincoln Memorial volleyball courts, which was not exactly on trail.  Realizing that the evening was young, and that there was a RUM CHECK, they headed for True Trail across the bridge.  For some reason, HT thought that someone would appreciate it if he performed a full moon on the pedestrian bridge leading to Teddy Roosevelt Island.  Good thing he didn’t do that in the parking lot at LBJ Memorial Grove…he might have found something unpleasant when he turned around.  Just John, and two others, managed to run pretty much across the island in all directions without finding the RUM CHECK, but most of the other folks managed to do a little better.  Then it was back off the island and on to the Beer Check, which was just before getting on to Key Bridge.  To the best of my knowledge, no one got run over, or thrown off the bridge, or accosted by the glitterati who inhabit M St. in G’town, and everyone made it safely in to the same old alley in back of some GWU office building, led by HT.  Those of us who had been there before were a bit concerned but the beer drinking and yummy munching began, and everyone was happy.
 Speaking of munchies, the Zebra Cakes were the biggest hit, followed closely by Star Clusters and Dolphins (which are big Goldfish).  A nice selection.  No lemon cookies, though.  If you’re on a budget (or a diet), don’t go to Safeway with Snatch Shot.  Not long after our arrival, the rain began.  It’s always amusing to see Hashers, who’ll run through anything, start looking for doorways, or plastic tarps, when the precipitation starts.  Lazy MF, IvyLicker, Cyclops, Number Two, and MFC were among those who didn’t seem to care, even when the chips got soggy.
 After a long wait to make sure the people in the adjoining office buildings knew we were there, the circle got started.  The Hares were called out to demonstrate to the virgins the proper Down-Down (DD) technique, and they did, and it was good, and then…oops.  Our virgins for the evening were:
Name   Come/Cum Inducer Say Hello To   Show Us Your, etc
Just John  Just Me   Self Abuse   Wanna Play Doctor?
Just Mary  Cream in the Middle Oreo’s Best Lick   Foggy Bottom
Just Reef  Major Disappointment Guy With No Life  Dick
Just Julie  Nobody Lately  The Line Forms Here  Well-Trimmed Bush

We brought out our Long Time No See-ers, namely Drop Box, Dick is Fine, and Gladiater. This generated a DD for all Boxes, which led to all GMs, all Brew Crew, and some others.  We had a fine song, and drank.  Unfortunately, we neglected to bring our Beer Bitch, Just Torin, into the circle for this one.  But he did a fine job, as have all of our BBs.  Along those lines, if you want to make friends in a hurry, get a full pitcher and go around the Circle filling people’s mugs.
   NOTE:  When called upon to lead a song, think a little bit.  There have been many instances when women were drinking to the tune of “His One Skin” etc., which doesn’t make much sense.  And if there are multiple people drinking, “He’s the meanest” should be changed to “They’re the …”.  Remember, “There are no rules”, but we don’t have to be stupid, either.
 We awarded a beautiful pewter mug to Number Two in honor of his 200th run, and he happily guzzled from it.  Just in time, too, since the sounds of “Cum By Ya” were heard from the back of the circle.  Our trusty RA walked over and had a nice chat with the campus police, and everyone agreed that it would be wise for us to complete our ritual and leave.  So after a quick version of the Hash Hymn, we cleaned up the alley and went our separate ways.  As it turns out, they had gotten a report about “students drinking in the alley”.  Seven was not quite a record number (I remember 4 motorcycles and 3 squad cars on a Sunday by the Waterside Mall, and Alexandria usually musters a pretty good presence), but still pretty impressive for our first Monday night outing of the year.  Since we’ve been ‘busted’ in that alley every time we’ve been there, it was bound to happen.  I wonder if the bugle accelerated the process any.
For those of you who like to plan ahead, the June 19 (Bill Wagner et al Birthday) Hash will start at the Parking Garage over I-66 between Quincy and Stafford Streets in North Arlington. Ballston Metro. Exit Metro and turn left on Stafford. Walk 3 blocks to parking garage and hash. A-A'. Hares are MFC, BBT, US Boobs & Oral Report, and Short Bus Bitch.  Bring money and get there early for Haberdashery shopping purposes.  And don’t forget to sign up now for Band Camp, July 28-30.
On-On     Spinal Tap