“In Beer we Trust”
June 12, 2000
Run # 713

 Warning:  This paper is a little scratchy for use as toilet tissue.  It has proved satisfactory, however, as bird cage lining.
 
 

          Since it’s not polite to use obscene language while describing a ‘trail’, this issue will be pretty short.  But, since I wasn’t on trail anyway, it doesn’t matter much that it was tremendously screwed up.  I’m sure part of the reason was the rain, which does have a bad effect on flour.  Turns it into paste, actually.  Reminds me of the old Rita Rudner bit…”Why is it when you mix flour and water, they become paste, but when you add an egg you have a cake?”  Speaking of cake, the Hares made the nice gesture of providing McDonald’s apple pies along with Band Camp registration forms (along with a few spares).  Very tasty.
But I digress.  Let us all hope that the events of Monday night are not a foreshadowing of the life that awaits these (when they’re not Haring) charming young people.  First, the run was set for Silver Spring, which is not very easily accessible to the majority of the WH4 participants.  But that wasn’t the worst part.  For some reason, we weren’t allowed to gather at the appointed spot at the S.S. Metro station, so the start had to be moved about 500 meters.  But that wasn’t the worst part.
Being the environmentally conscious folks that they are, the Hares thought it would be good to start at a Metro station, not realizing that there would be a teeny weeny fire on the tracks that would force people to find alternate means of transportation, such as busses.  I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to get to S.S. on a bus at rush hour, but it is not a pleasant experience.  As a result, people were still trickling in at about 7:00, much to the dismay of the male Hare, who wanted to get started before the rain washed away all of the trail (for the second time that day).  But that wasn’t the worst part.
Though we kept looking around anxiously, SSBB was not to be found anywhere.  THAT was the worst part. So, we stalled some more. Then we sang our welcoming song to the four virgins.  Tore Ass, Fire and Ice, and Motel Sex led us in a fine rendition of Father Abraham, while Cum By Ya and Short Bus Bitch continued their conversation. As part of the pre-Hash warmup, Lazy Motherfu**er announced that there would be a beer check, a champagne check, and a special yellow ribbon, which would entitle the finder to three hours of drinking at the Ft. Myers O-club during the wedding reception.  Finally, to a roar of applause, Number 2 came careening around the corner.  This was the signal for the ‘runners’ to take off, followed closely by LMF, who knew he had to get out there and set the rest of the trail.
The walkers got a late start, since Fire Crotch had to give explicit directions, maps, and a GPSS device to Number 2.  We finally got started though, and strolled down some street or other to Georgia Ave. It was there that I saw Just Torin, Mr. Softie, and MFC go across the street to an establishment called “Lil’ Peckers”.  I think they felt they’d be right at home there.  At about the same time, Fire and Ice decided to use the potty at Los Arrieros.  Better than behind a bush, I suppose.  One Tit Only was driving around looking for us and found the walkers about three blocks into the trail.  Being the dedicated Hasher that she is, she quickly made an illegal U-turn, parked, and ran past all the slower walkers so she could be at the front of the pack with Black Box, Moist Sushi and Great Puck.
At about that point, I bailed out, so you’ll have to make up your own stories about the trail.  A little bit of conversation at the end indicated that Holey Tit and Cum By Ya got drafted as auxiliary Hares.  At one point, HT ran into Beer Slut and others, but somehow conned them into not interfering with his appointed duties.  Apparently most people made it to the two beverage checks, and the pack started arriving at the finish at about 8:10.  Due to his tremendous dedication to his job, Jail House Cock, who had graciously assumed responsibility for washing the pitchers and Down-Down mugs, arrived just after Barney’s Bitch, Dangerously Close, and Just Lin had filled about 70 cups with beer and put them on the tables for the thirsty runners.  Meanwhile, Number 2 was putting out all the munchies, and passing out invitations to his upcoming party.  After the pitchers got there, things went pretty smoothly.  (I’d like to take a moment here to thank the S.S. police for ignoring the big blue van sitting on the street serving beer to about 70 raucous Hashers).
          WDFK and Perk A Set called for everybody to “Circle Up”, and by golly, we did.  After the Hares were placed into the Matrimonial Sweat Pants, they drank, and then the virgins were called forth.  They were:
Name   Who Made You Cum Say Hello To  Show Us Your, etc
Just Bill  Motel Sex  Down on the Beach Wedding Bells
Just Stephanie Bite Me Elmo  Tosses Her Cookies Super Tits
Just Steve Tits Ahoy  Goes Down On A Ship Carry Me Over Your Threshold
Just Rick (or Fred) Tits Ahoy  Iceberg Sex  Prenuptial Agreement

                            After the DDs were done, it was time for our LongTimeNoSee’rs, who were:  Tart Wheel, Hurly Gurly Mon, Fire and Ice, Tore Ass, Motel Sex, 38 Long, and Heat Seeking Moisture Missile.  Naturally we had to see if they had forgotten how to do a DD, and they all came through like champions.  Then Spinal Tap was brought in to present the happy couple with the Hash Wedding Toast. The origin is unknown, but it was first performed by Ahab [former Religious Advisor For Life] about 8 years ago and repeated at every Hash wedding-related event ever since.
                              There were some violations reported, including the two auxiliary Hares with their boasts about screwing the pack by making them go through streams and mud.  Just Bill was brought forth and introduced as a guy who gets his kicks by pulling Boeing 737s down runways.  Based on the various muscles the man possesses, it’s easy to picture him doing this.  That was worth a drink.  There were other violations noted by your scribe, but they were not brought up as circle material.  For example, Motel Sex, Cyclops, and Just Bill were the first to arrive at the end (probably due to a short cut), and they boasted of ‘sprinting’ the last mile.  There was also a lot of auto-Hashing, noticeably Big Bird Turd and Dangerously Close, plus some of the walkers.
Then came the event we were all waiting for, namely the awarding of the HashShit, currently held by Mighty Tight.  The Hares were nominated, of course, and Just Torin had been heard whining about how long it was taking for the ra*e to start.  And the “winner” was, in a landslide, Mighty Tight.  And I can’t close without remarking on the fine job done by Just Andi, our Beer Bitch for the night.  Then it was time for Swing Low, after which people disbursed to various places, including Mi Rancho (though I understand that most people migrated to another spot).

On – On              Spinal Tap