THE Hash of the new Millennium
For Directions and Information call 202-PUD-JAM0/202-232-HASH
Check us out on line: www.dchashing.org/wh4
"In Beer we Trust"
July 10, 2000
Hash: #717
Hares: Yank Me Out, Well Drilled, Full Metal Balls
Start: Zoo
Wonderful trail! Hills, water, storm, smooth beer stop (operated by
#2 and Free Refills). Words cannot do justice to Yank Me Out, Well Drilled,
Full Metal Balls for trail #717, it truly was a
classic! Did I leave out any talented hashers in that household? I
thought not.
Being short of description befitting of the trail, yet not wanting to
deprive you of your weekly exposure to fine journalism, I am reprinting
- with permission and little modification - an epistle on hash
names by the renowned Burnt Sox, more recently of Mexico City H3 fame,
who asks in return only that I note that "whatever thoughts that may be
coherently expressed are just the thoughts of one man:
drunken minds may differ."
What's In a Name?
I had a vision, a vision of the Hash Name in its full glory and honor.
Blessed is the Hash Name. It allows the Hasher to flaunt law, ordinance
and custom of society in relative
anonymity. It also makes rejection much easier: "Get your tongue off
me, Holy Tit," is softer on the ego than, "Not on your life, Steve." All
Hash names are honorable, as are most Hashers. There are no
rules to Hash names, but as within the Hash, there is a sense of honor.
The most honored of all Hash name is the Gifted. The Gifted name arises
from a Hash event involving the Gifted Hasher, and the name itself is funny,
yea, one might even say witty. Witness Oar-A-Face,
who on her first Hash was hit in the face with an oar by someone trying
to make a good impression on her. Note the near intelligence: Oar-A-Face
sounds like "orifice." Witness John Handcock, named
in honor of his failure to sign in at the Hash in a futile effort to
avoid being named. Witness Amkneesia, who broke her knee during a Hash
party but was so drunk she doesn't remember how. This, it is
said, is the type of Hash name to which we all aspire. Unfortunately,
it doesn't happen that often.
Next most honored is the Headliner. The Headliner name reports a Hash
incident involving the subject Hasher, but the name lacks cleverness or
originality. Witness Burnt Sox, named when he burned
his socks in an oven while trying to dry them after a Hash. Yes, the
Headliner is noble because it does invoke the Hash, but its stimulus-response
derivation separates it from the Gifted.
Next most honored is the Hale-Bopp name, which arises from a special,
one-time Hash event that is never to be repeated. These opportunities,
when they arise, must be seized upon. Witness Dahmer,
named on the day the Hash retired its bulky, coffin-sized beer cooler.
And witness Troll, named on a day the trail ended under a bridge. These
names are especially honored because someone must be sober
and awake enough to notice the special event.
Next most honored is the Speaking in Tongues name. The Speaking in Tongues
name arises from an unfortunate statement made on the Hash by the Hasher,
a statement unfortunate enough to merit
naming. Witness Wide Open, whose Hash was considering naming him. He
explained himself and his background, then ended by saying, "If you have
any ideas for a Hash name, I'm wide open." Ten
seconds later, he was Wide Open. Similarly, witness Crack Shot, in
a discussion of the standard two-person chug, commented that she'd prefer
the Rumson one-man method because she trusts her butt
more than anyone else's. Yea, witness Lick It Off, Baby, who, in an
unfortunate moment, yelled this phrase when beer was dripping from her
vessel. The Speaking in Tongues name is honorable,
particularly if it is clever, but in the search for such a name, many
a hasher will spend months saying stupid things hoping to convert one to
a name.
Observe: it is the rare Hash name that falls into only one category.
Witness Crack Shot, who after learning of the Rumson one-man butt chug,
commented that she'd prefer that method because she trusts
her butt more than anyone else's. Now, the name arose from what she
said on the Hash, but the Hash engaged its collective mind here and went
one step further to something witty. This is honorable.
Next most honored is the Got a Life name, which arises from a non-Hash
related hobby or past time of the Hasher. Witness Pitstop, a fan of auto
racing who also has the tiniest bladder on the Hash.
Witness Lady Bugger, who plays on an adult soccer team called the Ladybugs.
Witness Patio Furniture, who is Irish and stays out all night. The Got
a Life name, while it does not arise from the Hash, is
nonetheless honored because it shows that someone has been paying enough
attention to the Hasher to find out more.
Next most honored is the Plastic Surgery name, which refers to a distinguishing
(and, if possible, disfiguring) physical characteristic of the Hasher.
Witness Owwwww, who has a stud through his
penis, Broken Trojan, reputedly the best-endowed man at Interam '97,
and Sweet Cheeks, the plethora of whom all have sweet cheeks. Witness Heart
On, who has a tattoo of a heart on her groin, and
Hairy Buddha, who looks not unlike a hairy Buddha. The Plastic Surgery
name is honored, but may have to be changed if the Hasher starts really
running or has radical corrective surgery.
Next most honored is the Come at Will name, with the word "come" in
it. While it should be the desire of every Hasher not to talk about sex
more than having it, for most Hashers talk is about as good
as it gets. And so, if someone remarks that she Seldom Cumz, or that
he Comes when he(In A)Can, or that she Comes on a Whim, go with the moment.
Note that the reliance on the word "come" makes this name less honored
than the true Speaking in Tongues, but the Come at Will is honorable all
the same. Witness 7 Minute Blow Job, who unfortunately
remarked among a group of Hashers talking about their racing (drink!)
times that a 7-minute blow job would be more interesting than a 7-minute
mile. Yes, she mentioned sex, but the name is more
honored without the word "come." And so, a heavy reliance on "coming"
tarnishes the name, though it is not bad thing in actual sex.
Next most honored is the Name Yo' Mama Gave Ya, which is based on, as
the name suggests, the name your mother gave you. Witness Stained Sheetz,
whose mother's last name is Sheets, or
Kimo-I-Wanna-Lai-Ya, a Hasher of Hawaiian descent whose first name
is Kimo. This is also the honor borne by Hashes that do not name, such
as the Mother Hash and the D.C. Men's Hash.
Amid the revelations, a caution: the Happily Ever After name, given
to one Hasher based on his or her association with another Hasher. Consider
that if the association ends, both parties will certainly
keep Hashing. And who wants to go to the Hash to be reminded of that
asshole who isn't making child support payments or the bitch who stole
most of my Police CD's? But I digress, because there can
still be honor in the Happily Ever After Name. Witness Legal Tender,
the daughter of Blank Check, who came to be named on her eighteenth birthday.
Next most honored is the Fruit of Our Labor (FOOL) name, a name derived
from the occupation of the Hasher in real life. (That is, when he or she
is not Hashing.) This, like any other name, is honored,
but if a name must focus on that which we seek to escape, might I suggest
that the naming is premature? Having said that, witness Pocket Scientist,
who is a researcher for a space development agency
and Rut Ro, who is a special education teacher. If the Hash must bestow
a FOOL name, at least make it a clever one.
Next most honored is Barbra Streisand. If the Hash fails to determine
a name, it should stop trying, drink more beer, and go home. If the effort
persists, however, Barbra Streisand is the universally
abhorred fall-back name. But it is a name, nonetheless, and it too
is to be honored.
Next most honored is the Dirty Ethnic Slur. This name may amuse those
already in the Hash, but in my experience no one has returned to the Hash
after receiving the Dirty Ethnic Slur. Witness Short
Cunt, a woman who solved the Buffalo H3's trails but couldn't figure
out the mentality. Witness 7-11, a Hasher of Pakistani descent, who never
returned after naming. Consider the possibility of Spic 'n'
Span, a woman of Ecuadorian descent who refrained from Hashing even
though she was named Spanish Thighs in the end. Indeed, the mere specter
of the Dirty Ethnic Slur is powerful enough, and this
name, though barely honored, should be used sparingly and only with
evil purpose. Having so cautioned, a Hasher's background can certainly
be used for a Plastic Surgery name, but it must be done
carefully.
In time, Hashers may be renamed, but only with good cause. Therefore
most reason is that if the Hasher has paraphernalia personalized with his
or her name, it's a pain in the ass to have to change
everything. When renaming, the Hash should seek to advance the name
toward a more honored state. Thus, it was honorable to rename Hooked on
Forensics (a FOOL name for a Hasher who performed
forensic research) to French Toasted(a Gifted name earned when he got
so drunk on a Hash pub crawl he started speaking French, to the exclusion
of his native English). And it would be honorable to
rename Cradle Robber to Episiostomy, in light of his experience at
Interam'97. He ran into a tree on Trail and opened a huge gash in his head
that was stitched shut by the only doctor available--a
gynecologist. In this case, the renaming is most honored and to be
encouraged. By the same token, names that are less honorable should not
be substituted for the more honorable.
And so the honor of the Hash Name was revealed to me.
And so it is bestowed upon the Hash.
Give me a beer,
Burnt Sox
Directions for next week's hash:
Hares: TipHer WhipHer, KY Belly, and ONe tit ONly
Start: the corner of Fort Reno Park, at 41st & Chesapeake, NW (it is just north of Wisconsin & 41st Street)
OnOnOn: The Malt Shop (4611 Wisconsin Avenue, NW)
Lots o' specials...domestic pitchers $7, Foggy Bottom pitchers $11,
Rail drinks $3, Call drinks $3.50, they will have happy hour food stuff
for us. The restaurant downstairs ("The Dancing Crab") has
lobster dinner specials on Monday nights.
Directions:
From Downtown DC: north on Massachusetts, when you get to Wisconsin
(by the National Cathedral), turn right on Wisconsin going north until
you reach 41st street; the road splits with Wisconsin
going left & 41st going right; take 41st street and the next intersection
is 41st & Chesapeake.
From Northern VA: take the Key Bridge over from Rosslyn, turn right
onto M street, turn left onto Wisconsin going north until you reach 41st
street; the road splits with Wisconsin going left & 41st
going right; take 41st street and the next intersection is 41st &
Chesapeake.