View from the Brew Crew

Most of you wankers have no idea what goes on in the Brew Crew. You just show up, drink, flirt, run, drink, flirt, run, drink, end/start relationships, drink, and drink even more. All along the way you demand cold beer, light beer, dark beer, cold water, a little head (Head? Who said head…) and unhealthy snack foods. You bitch when you don’t get what you want. Well, here’s the trash from the illustrious Brew Crew’s perspective.

Mr Softie and Ivy Licker had a prearranged plan to meet early at the start to prepare Shitty Shitty Bang Bang (yes, the light blue van has a name) for our affair. Softie left work early to get beer, ice, and water in Georgetown. Ivy pulled up and he was waiting for her, all hot and sweaty from the ride and the anticipation of another pleasurable brew crew. Raise My Titanic and Just Steve had also arrived early, as had Perk-A-Set who actually went for a run before the hash (I can understand drinking, but not running before a hash)! They opened the taps and tested the beverages and thanked the beer gods for good weather.

The first to arrive were some OTHers stragglers since we were near their hashland. They all know White House is the superior hash, so they came to pay homage. Knowing no other way to pay tribute, these animals promptly started marking their territory. Pissing on Hasher Humper’s car was Gladiater, farting all over Microsoft was Dahmer, and necking every bitch in town was Chicken-of-the-Sea.  Thinking this was the official WH4 initiation rite of passage, Tiny Bushes of Samuria H3 searched long and hard (see Beer Slut ) before he found his hash cousin and long-time-no-seer Bushwacker.  After chugging some beers, they relieved themselves behind Bad Bush and once again behind Bavarian Bush. Short Bus(h) Bitch was confused and felt left out with all these Bushes, but Snatch Shot gave her a remedial spelling lesson and her demeanor improved.

Over the gentle gossiping of the crowd I heard laughter and gasps as the NOVA rugby team and friends—Just Jen, Just Barb, Just Dana, Just Kathy, Pimpme Longsucking, Ivy Licker, Just Robin, Just Nicky— discussed ice block shots, drinking games, and sex games with naughty dice at two different end of season parties. They came in force to run off their hangovers. Major Disappointment appeared wearing two hard horns, begging someone to blow them; PMLS, who never turns a male or female hasher down, blew both horns at once before proudly wearing the remnants of her latest conquest.

Other wankers slowly started arriving and the beer taps were now flowing while Softie stood guard while Ivy helped Titanic sign them in. Just Rick Gray was sitting on his truck, in order to get a better look down all the girl’s shirts, but instead of firm, perky, fleshy mounds, he only saw Just Chris Hall‘s “Big Daddy” (shirt, that is).  Other wankers hoarding the beer were 14K Cock, Back Snatch, Black Box, Cliterature, Dance with Dildos, Dangerously Close, Free Willie, Full Metal Balls, Great Puck, Jag Queen, Missed Erections, Orange Line to New Hurlington, Pulls Out Early, Tastes Like Turkey, Toxic Shock, West Virginia Woody, Yeast Injection, Just Marie, Just Rich, Just Vincent, Just Julie, and Just Jonathon.

Father Abraham came and went. Hares Pay Per View and Mitey Tite (in his hare debut after 150 or so runs) warned us about the hazards on trail, including a beaver spotting. Ground Chuck got riled up since he hasn’t seen a beaver in years. The herd departed. Holy Tit led the slow bastards in a short cut to the first bridge. Shortly afterwards, MD, always one to beg for attention, tripped over air and face planted. Just Jayme found that same exact patch of air and repeated the act for those who missed it. The rest of trail isn’t really important. Beer is. Thus, we’ll move onto the Beer Check.

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Softie and Ivy were alone at last. He strapped her in for a nice and tight fit. They lit a smoke to cool their nerves from the hordes of hashers. He started his engine; it roared. Ivy reached over and slid his stick into gear. But wait, just as they were warming up a straggler came running up to SSBB and demanded a ride. Euro Trash Barbie looked adventurous and easy, so Softie grinned and opened his door. When ETB told us she once took a giant pole in the rear while driving SSBB Softie knew this was going to be no ordinary ride. She slid in the middle and Softie got out the handcuffs and attached them to the metal cage between
 
Upon finding the beer check with lovely directions from PPV and MT, they downshifted and parked behind some trailers. The sweaty threesome unloaded the tables, cups, and started pouring beer after beer. They waited and still no hashers. To pass time, Softie showed Ivy his hardie beer keg lifting expertise and she got all wet from the shuffle. He made her a beer keg throne with the empty, and then Softie wiped Ivy’s seat because it was way too wet. It’s tough being in the BC.

The first two into the Beer Check were none other than short-cutting, running-trail-backwards-bastards Big Bird Turd and Dahmer, who was delirious and spoke only in tongues. The first true-trail hasher into the beer check was no more than the devilish Holy Tit brandishing a cattail he kept calling a “Pussy Willow”. Since we all know that’s the only pussy he can get, we let his half-minded comment slip by unchallenged. When he later dipped his ‘pussy willow’ into a cup of beer, we knew the rumors were true: that’s the only way he can get a pussy wet. We were surprised, however, when Just James Beck drank that beer. I guess that’s the only wet pussy he’s tasted in awhile.

Overheard from the trail: Rainbow Dick found a ‘gigantic’ condom on trail; he tried it on hoping to get some loving, but it was too big so he threw it at some squirrels. Back Snatch informed me that the squirrels who found it next seemed pleased with the fit, texture, taste, and lubrication and were heard squealing with delight in the trees.

Put It Out commented about the Brew Crew’s nice spread. Softie gave him a beer and shooed him away. PIO returned, whining “I want to spread my bodily fluids all over Ivy”. Ewww, gross. Softie wouldn’t let Ivy take that abuse, so he refilled PIO’s beer and sent him the way he came (away from the beer, I hope). Thankfully, Dangerously Close, Beer Slut and Back Snatch provided the BC members with some more intelligent conversation. A little known fact: besides pouring beer, BC members can multi-task and even stand-in as medics. For example, MD needed first aid from his face plant wounds. Thus, Ivy found some dusty paper towels and stale water and threw them at him.

Softie and Ivy couldn’t wait for the wankers to drink their beer and leave so they could hop right back into their love machine. After constant harassment from an inebriated PIO who returned for more beer, they finally got rid of him and sent him where no man has cum before. But alas, a pack of stragglers came upon us and PIO eagerly followed them for his fifth personal beer check. Forming their own hash were Wheels, Mammory Man, Just Jeff, Head First, Just Kat, and Dancing Fool.

They tried again.
Softie and Ivy couldn’t wait for the wankers to drink their beer and leave so they could hop right back into our love machine. After constant harassment from a drunk PIO for more and more beer, they finally got rid of him and sent him up a hill. But alas, the final pack of stragglers came upon us and PIO eagerly followed for his sixth personal beer check. Forming their own hash this time were Have Dick Will Travel, Just Jen Gangi, Kiel Bastard, Virgin with Mary, Raise My Titanic, Mellow Foreskin Cheese, Just Steve, and Senile For Now. Kiel’s big stick protected them from the bombardment of shingles thrown from a house under construction. Maybe those “gigantic” squirrels thought Squirrel Bait, I mean Wind Beneath My Weenie, was among them.

They tried again. They made it. This time with four autohashers joining their rocking ride back to circle: Bad Bush,Virgin with Mary, Kiel Bastard, and Just Jen. Needless to say, they were late to circle.

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Virgins:
Nerd Name Who Made Them Cum Fake Name  Welcoming Slogan
James Beck –  Just Chris Hall  Who’s Your Daddy  Let Me Crown Your Head
Nicky Barret –  Just Dana (rugby team)  Golden Beaver  Show Us Your Tits
Kathy Blanton –  Just Jen (rugby team)  Ball Sucker  Get the Fuck Over Here
Robin Riviere –  Just Barb   Cums Two At a Time Show Me Your Charming Prince
Alice Kasmarzyk – ?    Who The Fuck is Alice? Show Us Your Tits
Joe Breton –  Nippoless Cage (a no-show) Cums on a Phantom I’m Your Jester, Let Me Juggle
Your Balls

Visitors:
Tiny Bushes – Samurai H3, Tokyo
Just Skip – Key West H3
Chicken-of-the-Sea – OTH4
Dahmer – OTH4
Just Mike Hill – MVH3
Just Paul Morris – EWH3
Just Bud Mathis – EWH3
Stacy Weeks – Bloomington, IN
Seema Simon – MVH3

July Birthdays: Just Dana Creager, Take Me Drunk I’m Home, Just Robin Riviere, Gladiater.
Long Time No Shows – Bushwacker, Chunks, Orange Line to New Hurlington, Eurotrash Barbie
Mug Club – Euro Trash Barbie
Analverseries – Mr. Softie – 50, West Virginia Woody – 50, Holy Tit – 69, WheredaFukRwe – 150
Brew Crew shirt club: Mr. Softie and Ivy Licker
Engagement: Free Willy and Take Me Drunk I’m Home. The hashers sighed, knowing two more folks were off limits to sexual advances. We sang “The Rock, the Rock, The Rock is on Fire…”

Naming:
Just Eric Wulf was called into the circle and was promptly striped to only his tighty-whiteys to the moans and boos of the crowd. He revealed that he steals money from the government by acting as a rocket engineer. He’s also dating a hasher who can’t stop talking about sex, which probably means she’s not getting any. The following names were suggested and voted upon: Your Tax Dollars At Work, Split My Balls, Nuclear Waste Land, Pump My Tire, Well Schwung, Tour de Hash, Cold Fusion, No Sperm Count, Bicycle Pump. Drum Roll Please…. Just Eric will henceforth in the White House Hash House Harriers, and in all the world of Hashing, be known as - - - No Sperm Count.

Violations:
Perk-A-Set – running before a hash
Autohashing – EuroTrash Barbie, Bad Bush, Kiel Bastard, Just Jen Gangi, Virgin with Mary
Major Disappointment – Face Plant on trail
Mammory Man – lame military-type shorts (didn’t MD have some on, too?)
Just  George - new suede shoes
PIO – being born was a violation
Raise My Titanic – Telling a story about Holy Tit’s pussy (willow)
Ruined it For Dad – Cell phone interview causing him to be tardy (get a life-don’t miss the hash!)

Hashit
Major Disappointment – Tripping over own feet and kissing Mother Earth (who then slapped and scratched him until he bleed)
Short Bus Bitch – the most obnoxious, whiney voice ever found in a hash (even worse than Black Box’s!). SBB won.

Next Three Hashes: BAND CAMP! If you’re not already signed up, you can still hash/drink/tube/drink/lube/get naked and party with the rest of us. Condoms, glow sticks, and wet t-shirts provided. Sex not included (with yourself can be arranged though).
Post Band Camp Hash: The Wine and Cheese Hash. Check the website for details.
 

--This week’s lies, rumors, and slander brought to you from your Brew Crew, cum-sign-in person, cum hash scribe:
Ivy Licker.

WH4 Band Camp Weekend
This weekend: July 28 - 30, 2000

Friday, July 28th

4:00 PM -    1:00 AM:   Registration/sign-in (taps open, last keg taped at 11:30 PM)
  5:30 -    7:00  PM: Dinner
  7:00 -    8:00  PM: Sunset Hash
  8:00 -    8:30  PM:  Welcome Hash Circle
 8:30 -    10:30 PM:  Band Camp VIDEO DELIGHT
     10:30 PM -  12:30 AM: DJ “Spits It Out” Spins The Tunes For Dancing
12:30 -    ???? AM:    Party in the dark
 

Saturday, July 29th

  7:30  -   10:00 AM:  Breakfast is served (bagels, fruit, coffee, OJ, and beer)
  9:00 -   11:30 AM: Registration/Sign in Continues
 10:30 -  12:00 AM:   Land hash.
 12:00 -    4:00 PM:  Tubing hash (beer and lunch on the river);
  4:00 -    4:30  PM:  Return from tubing, return to camp
  4:30 -    6:00  PM: Registration/Sign in Continues
  5:00 -    6:00  PM:  Free time (nap, sober up, buy hash stuff, or  whatever)
  6:00 -    7:30  PM:  Dinner served (Vegetarians will be taken care of)
  7:00 -    8:00  PM:  Grand Celebration Circle
        8:00 -    9:00  PM:    Games For “FUN & PLEASURE”
9:00 PM - 12:30 AM: Live Band Gene Pool Zombies!
12:30 -     1:30 AM:    Midnight nekked hash & PAGAN Circle.
 1:30 -      ???? AM:    Party in the dark (last keg taped at 12:00 Midnight)

Sunday, July 30th

  7:30 -     9:00  AM:  Breakfast served (bagels, fruit, coffee, OJ & Beer)
10:00 -   10:30  AM: Fat boy hash & closing circle
10:30 -   12:00  AM:  Pack up and head (who said head) home (TAPS CLOSED)

NOTE: Campsite meals will be served in the common area